The Effects of Alcohol
by HM TAFFY
Summary: When her friends get Bella drunk on Rosalie’s hen night, it was bound to end badly - but not this badly. A revealing bunny costume, a fist-fight in a club and the barman. Did she really offer to sleep with him? All human, usual pairings. ON HIATUS
1. Vodka and Coke

**Disclaimer:** Twilight is not under my possession - well the book is but not the idea. This belongs to Stephenie Meyer (whom I bow to) and the only thing that belongs to me is the imagination of Bella slugging Vodka and Coke like there's no tomorrow.

I know some reader's of _The Chase_ have been curious about my secret new plot idea. I thought it up on holiday after seeing a man on his stag-do in Cardiff. He was extremely drunk, wearing a French maid costume with a cowboy hat holding a green feather-duster and had a chain around his leg attached to his friend's leg. Needless to say he was drunk, and it got me thinking...What would happen to our favourite _Twilight _characters if they were under the influence of alcohol. What would the effects be? Pictures of Bella, Rosalie and Alice's outfits are located on my profile.

For anyone outside of the UK who doesn't know what either a hen or stag night is, well it's just another name for Bachelor and Bachelorette night. Thank you for pointing this out to me, and for beta reading this first chapter, **Ruby-Wednesday**.

**Summary:** When her friends get Bella drunk on Rosalie's hen night, it was bound to end badly - but not this badly. A revealing bunny costume, a fist-fight in a club and the barman. Did she really offer to sleep with him? Rated **M** for bad language, lemons and adult situations.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Vodka and Coke  
_by InsatiableHanner

"Sit still Bella!"

I scowled at Alice, my brows furrowing as she yanked the brush through my hair. It caught another knot and the creases forming on my forehead only deepened.

"Stop pulling a face or you'll have to start saving for your botox." She had a point.

So I sat there silently, trying not to give into instinct and send her deathly glares. There was no way I could afford botox. With every prod, poke, knot and yank I found myself becoming more and more cranky. This was utterly ridiculous, I should be happy today. We were celebrating Rosalie's last night of freedom. Poor Emmett, he had no idea what he'd gotten himself into.

"Have a drink Bella, calm yourself down."

"You know I don't drink Alice," I replied. Although I tried extremely hard, my mouth still formed a pout as my brows knotted in a stern look that probably resembled that of a parent's. My self-control was so weak.

"Just one or two," she begged, those sparkling green eyes meeting mine. If anyone could knock down a wall it was Alice and those eyes. Emotions flickered through them so easily that when you saw she really wanted something your resistance became weak - like now.

And sure enough I heard myself utter the deadly words before I could stop my lips from moving. "Sure, what's the worst that could happen?" Oh boy, where to begin?

x.x.x.x

"I look like a slut," I commented, turning slightly to see the humiliating fluffy white tail replacing my rear. **(Pictures on profile)**

Alice rolled her eyes, placed a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "Don't be silly Bella, you look cute."

"I look like a slut," I repeated. I turned myself around, choosing the best plan of action was to ignore my reflection. "You two look sexy but I look like a slut. Not fair."

Rosalie groaned long and loud. I felt slightly guilty - it was, after all, her night. I didn't want to ruin the evening with my bitching and moaning. I'd never forgive myself for it. "We specifically ordered the least slutty looking bunny costume!"

"Jeez, where did you shop?" I asked with a roll of my eyes. I reluctantly turned. Even if I ignored the reflection it still seemed to taunt me with the knowledge of what I looked like. "Sluts 'R' Us?"

"Actually yours was on a fancy dress website," Alice replied with a cheerful smile. "In the adult section."

"You mean the erotic dress-up section." I pouted at myself in the mirror, tossed my curly brown locks over my shoulder. God, the outfit even made me act like a slut. "How did I agree to this?" I wondered aloud.

"You've had a couple of drinks Bella. You know how bad you are under the influence," Rosalie informed me, nudging me away from the mirror so she could check her make up. "Few more drinks and you'll be shagging a guy in the toilets."

"I am not shagging a stranger in the toilets," I replied. Oh god, the scowl returned. I was so damn predictable. "And I'm not having anymore drinks. Look at me, I'm so drunk I agreed to wearing this." I waved a hand to draw their attention to the outrageously skimpy outfit. "This should be illegal."

"Any shorter and it would be." Alice chuckled at my reaction before adding, "Besides, you're not drunk Bella. Listen to yourself, you're speaking perfectly well. No slurring at all. You just have a crap amount of perseverance when I pressurise you."

I sighed knowing too well that she was absolutely right. Stupid pixie. "A good friend wouldn't force me into this."

"And a sensible girl wouldn't give in to peer pressure," she replied coolly, her eyes now focused on a small section of the mirror not taken up by Rosalie and her primping. "And seeing as _everyone_ will be wearing a bunny costume it's peer pressure my good friend."

"Oh god," Rosalie announced as she finally stopped hogging the mirror. "I hope no one shows up in the same colours. That would be just dreadful!"

"We gave everyone a colour Rosalie, calm down," Alice soothed.

"But we got the best colours!" Rosalie began breathing heavily. Wow, she was worse than Alice sometimes. "Someone might purposely choose the same colour!"

"If they do we'll kick 'em outta the limo!"

"Wahey!" I cheered with a wide smile. "Anyway, no one would have the guts to piss you off like that Rose."

The look of worry on her face faded, her eyes met mine with gratefulness. "Of course, you're right Bella."

x.x.x.x

Thankfully we didn't need to fall back on Alice's threat of throwing someone out because everyone showed up in their designated colours. Everyone except for Lauren and Jessica.

"Everyone was supposed to be in different colours," I informed them as we climbed out of the extremely long, black limo. "Why did you two show up both in yellow?"

"Let's get the facts straight Bella," Lauren sneered as she smoothed down her outfit. "We want to get laid tonight. With myself and Jessica matching it sends an unconscious message to any guys that we'd be up for a threesome."

Oh my lord. They were joking, surely? "Jessica, what about Mike?"

She waved a hand. "As far as I'm concerned - for tonight only - he does not exist." She said those last three words slowly with a sly smile on her lips. I wanted to smack her, Mike - although annoying at the best of times - was a good guy. He didn't deserve this crap from Jessica, yet he seemed unable to realise she was a huge pile of shit, that he could do better. He was in some sort of bubble where he thought she was the best there was. How wrong he was.

As if reading my thoughts, Lauren stepped forward so her face was just inches away from my own. "Don't even think about telling him."

I wanted to smack her too. However my dreams were not met as Alice sensed my anger and quickly came to my aid to drag me away.

"Stupid cow," I muttered as I allowed her to yank me towards the club. "Stupid ungrateful shit head."

"Shit head?" Alice asked with a snicker. "You been drinking Bella?"

"Can I not say shit head when I want to?" Obviously not.

"Ignore them both," she told me as she flashed the bouncer a smile. Alice made a move to walk past him but he held out a hand.

"Sorry ma'am, back of the line."

I saw the sudden flash of surprise in Alice's eyes, quickly replaced with impatience. Uh-oh. "Excuse me?" Her voice was high.

"You'll have to line up like everyone else."

"We've paid extra to cut the line!" Impatience was replaced with anger. "The hen night?"

He raised a brow, signalled for another man to approach. He held a clipboard and with a quick flick through the papers he nodded. "Sorry about the mistake. Have you got your passes with you?"

Alice looked around, spotted Rosalie and called her over.

"You got the passes Rose?"

"Sure do," she replied with a laugh. I was amazed and bewildered when Rosalie slipped a hand down her top and pulled the passes from out of her bra. "There you go."

You had to laugh at the expression on his face. His eyes were darting from the passes to her chest and to her face before it repeated the cycle. It was typical Rosalie fashion to be pulling stunts like this.

Smiling innocently she said, "What? I didn't have a purse to match this outfit."

We couldn't contain our laughter as Rosalie stood on her toes, gave the bouncer a light kiss before sauntering into the loud and noisy club.

The music was blaring, the people were dancing and the drinks were pricey. Why on Earth peopled enjoyed this on a regular basis was beyond me. I currently had a whopping great big headache - made only worse by Alice's insistent pleas that I have another drink.

"No," I replied firmly. "I don't want to get drunk Alice."

She huffed, she puffed. She folded her arms over her chest and pouted but thankfully the club was dimly lit so I could ignore the begging in her eyes. "Please?"

"No. I'll just have a coke." I nodded in confirmation to the barman who'd had to stand there waiting for three minutes whilst Alice and I argued over the effects of alcohol. Not that I had much experience in that department. Apart from the odd glass of wine at Christmas I'd never drunk alcohol - and even then I only did it out of politeness when I was offered one to join in with a toast.

A mischevious look on Alice's face appeared, pulling me out of my trance. Cautiously I took my drink having only just noticed it was placed by my elbow and took a sip. The cool brown liquid washed down my throat and felt like pure heaven sliding down my hot passage. It tasted a bit off - flat. And diet. Oh god, did I look like I needed diet coke?

My eyes began to assess my weight in my sitting position. I was sat slouching - so really there was no surprise that the tiniest of bulges were formed on my stomach through the tight fabric. I immediately sat upright, relieved when the bulge smoothed out making me appear slimmer. My eyes moved down to my bare thighs. Shit, no wonder the barman thought I needed diet replacements. The way I'd been sitting caused my thighs to spread along the stool making them appear enormously out of proportion with the rest of my body. It looked as though I had two fat stubs for legs. I crossed them quickly, my eyes meeting Alice's as she gave me a curious look.

"Before you ask, no I am not drunk."

x.x.x.x

Oh shit. I was so drunk.

It was kind of like an out-of-body experience, watching myself from above as I stumbled around making a fool out of myself. I watched in horror as I began to dance with a stranger, allowing him to touch my ass as I grounded upon his groin. Oh god, was that an erection?

I wanted to shudder as his hands slipped dangerously under my skirt but the alcohol seemed to ignore my insistent, internal screaming for I tossed my hair back and shot him a flirtatious smile as my hands latched onto his wrists guiding him up to my-

"You bitch!"

Even in my drunken stupor I was shocked at Lauren's comment thrown my way. The guy holding me suddenly released my body, backed away.

"I saw him first!"

My brows raised, alcohol exaggerating my facial features so I probably had a stupid dumb-founded expression on my face. "What?"

"Him!" She jabbed a finger in the direction of the retreating man where he froze, his eyes anxiously casting back and forth between us. "I called dibs."

"You called dibs?" Was she serious? "And did you telepathically tell every woman in this room that or just Jessica?" I smiled innocently as her expression became shocked. "Because I honestly think it's unfair of you to assume I'd know when you called dibs without actually having told me." My words sounded mature in my head but they came out slightly slurred.

"You think you're so much better than the rest of," she shouted. I was glad to realise I wasn't the only one drunk. I'd barely understood that sentence. "Think you're so much prettier and smarter and more sexy. Well here's a wake up call for you _honey_, you're not!" The way she'd drawled out the word _honey_ was as though uttering it caused pain to ricocheted through her body. She'd gritted her teeth as though baring said pain. And in my opinion...it looked _painful_.

"Newsflash: I don't give a fucking toss," I replied cattily. Woah, was that me? What happened to the Bella who avoided confrontations? What happened to the Bella afraid of standing up to the likes of Lauren? Oh, yeah. That's right, I was drunk. I giggled at my thoughts but no one seemed to notice.

I saw that quick hot flash of temper in Lauren's eyes just seconds before she charged. I momentarily took pleasure in the fact that a pissed-off Lauren wasn't a pretty sight before I felt her shove me backwards. I was honestly surprised when I - the Queen of clumsiness - didn't fly onto my butt but actually managed to put out a foot to adjust my balance. And I was drunk! And I was now as pissed-off as Lauren was.

Lauren didn't have time to react as my arm pulled back before I swung it forwards, connecting with her jaw. Ouch. Fuck, that hurt. I shook my fist as Lauren staggered backwards with the force of my blow.

The crowd of interested partiers gathered now, eyes on Lauren as she stood shocked to the core at my actions. I couldn't really blame her, I was pretty surprised myself. I mentally gave myself a pat on the back but during that time Lauren regained her composure and came flying at me. Again. She didn't push me this time but she sure as hell yanked my hair. Alice would be pissed off too, it had taken hours to style. I let out a loud yelp as she dragged me backwards clutching a fistful of my hair before giving me a violent jerk towards the floor.

The hard ground came up quickly making connection with my butt. This pain was worse than the punching, and I was pretty sure that in the morning I'd struggle bending to pee on the toilet. The pain was simply excruciating.

Lauren looked down at me in triumph - obviously thinking she had won the fight but me and the drunk Bella weren't finished yet. With one last hope of winning I swung my white-heeled feet around so Lauren's legs were knocked off balance, tripping and stumbling to the floor also.

Uneasily I got to my feet. Yeah, peeing would be impossible tomorrow. However the pain was soon forgotten as Lauren got to her feet - flashing me a raged look, before storming out of the club with a worried Jessica running after her. This _so_ called for a victory dance. A roar of applause erupted from the crowd joining in with my victory, but then the people began to part allowing two suited men to walk through. Shit, bouncers.

One of them took my arm, dragging me away from the crowd. Helplessly I searched through the crowds for the rest of my hen night-goers. With a look of desperation I found Rosalie and Alice laughing at me. Oh, they were so going to get it once I was sober.

x.x.x.x

I was kicked out - and my loyal hen night-goers followed me out into the cold streets of London in search of the next place. However, this was easier said than done.

Most clubs had lines so long it wasn't even worth queuing for. It was approaching eleven, the prime time for the clubs and when we finally found one with a mildly shorter queue we still spent thirty minutes in the cold only to be told we were too drunk to enter.

Where were nine bunny-costumed girls supposed to go during a hen night if they were too drunk to be allowed in the clubs? I was beginning to regret my drunken decision to stoop to Lauren's levels - despite how powerful it made me feel. The only upside to it was having the satisfaction of seeing her enraged face, of not having to spend the rest of the night with her or Jessica. Man, I hoped Mike dumped her soon.

"I guess we'll have to go home," I said with a reluctant sigh as we headed back to the limo. "What a bummer."

Rosalie groaned, her eyes frantically scanning for a place for them to go in the streets but we knew it was impossible, a worthless hope and a waste of time searching. Why even bother when-

"I know!"

I was half climbing into the limo when she practically shouted this and immediately my head spun to hear out her idea.

"My brother," she supplied with. What was she on? How could going to her brother's place help this matter? Everyone else appeared confused at her suggestion too - well all for Rosalie.

"Yes!" She punched the air in victory - totally unladylike but who cared? "Oh Alice, I love you sometimes. Can you get us in?"

"What's going on?" I asked, my eyes flicking between the pair. "How on Earth will Alice's brother rectify this matter?"

Alice shook her head. "Did I never tell you what my brother does?"

"No," I replied, my brows raising.

"He owns this club," she answered. Her eyes scanned in her surroundings. "A few blocks from here I think."

"Your brother owns a club?" I was honestly surprised. "Which one?"

"Club Sixty-nine."

I snorted ungracefully. "You're kidding? Your brother is the dickwad who named a club after a sex position?"

Alice chuckled, shook her head as the girls approached. "No, my dad did. He owned it originally but then he passed it to Edward."

"Your _dad_ owned a club?" I screwed up my nose. "I thought he was a doctor!"

"He is." Alice sighed. "I'll explain it all to you when we're sober."

I was pretty satisfied with this response - if I remembered too then I'd press her for details in the morning. Who'd have thought though? Get in there Dr. Cullen! A wolf whistle interrupted my thoughts. I looked up to find a stranger making thrusting motions towards me. Even drunk I still blushed. Did that not suck?

Alice giggled before alerting me why I'd received that obvious sexual advance. Apparently I'd totally forgotten I had one leg raised to climb into the limo and one leg lowered on to the ground. With this almost-illegal piece of clothing I was flashing to the world. Embarrassed, I quickly climbed into the limo to the catcalls of our group.

x.x.x.x

I'd heard a lot about Club Sixty-nine. It had been set with great expectations from the worshipping comments partiers made about it - and I had to say it met them all.

Unlike other clubs, the music blared loudly but allowed areas where you could escape the pounding beat. Peaceful retreats for clubbers - such as myself - who didn't enjoy so much, the feeling of music vibrating through your bones.

There were two huge, long bars running along a wall each. One was located close to the dance floor so that whilst ordering your drink you could quite easily be knocked down by a drunk dancer. The other was situated where I was, in the quieter section of the club where the music was a whisper but still had a view to watch the idiots who'd gone past their limit on alcohol.

I was here, away from the rest of the group, ordering a drink I most definitely shouldn't be ordering. I couldn't help it, the barman was so hot that I felt compelled to buy a drink and give him a healthy tip. Maybe he'd take the hint?

"Vodka and coke," I said, my eyes connecting with a pair of penetrating, emerald eyes. "Please," I added as an afterthought.

He nodded, skilfully moving away to fill my order. I smiled to myself as he turned his back to me, as I received a view of the most perfect rear in snug jeans designed specifically in mind of ogling women. I think I was in heaven.

He gave me my order, took my money - along with the huge tip - and gave me a polite thank you as he stuffed all the money I'd given him into the cash register. I was miffed he hadn't bothered taking the tip out of the money I'd given him. Maybe they had that stupid thing...what was it? Where everyone put their tips into a collection and it was then shared equally. But then why hadn't he put the money in a jar of some sort? Oh I really hoped Alice's brother allowed employees to get tips. Some right a-holes prevented this from their employees and kept the money themselves.

He moved away to take another order, stepping under the beam of a bar light. I watched in earnest as the beam bounced off his hair making the brown appear more...copper. Was that his natural hair colour? It was so...strange. I hadn't noticed it under the shadows, his hair appearing dark - like everyone else's. But now that unnatural bronzy-brown hair had me gawping. It was dishevelled - a look of pure, bed, sex hair. Oh man, was I drooling?

I distracted myself with the drink. It reminded me somewhat of the strange coke I'd drunken in the first club. It was more fizzy than the first but it had that same strange taste to it. Oh god. My eyes flashed back to that mischevious look on Alice's face. Had she...? _No_, surely not? Alice would never do that...would she? Suddenly I wasn't so sure, and it certainly would explain how I got from tipsy to drunk on nothing but coke.

Damn it, that pixie spiked my coke with vodka! God only help her if she awoke in the morning with my hands clamped around her neck. She was going to suffer the consequences of a hung over Bella, that I was sure.

This side of the club was relatively empty. The copper-haired barman was the only one taking orders currently, which was fine seeing as only five people had ordered a drink since I'd sat down on the stool.

I watched with dreamy eyes as he made his way back down the bar to me. He shot me a crooked smile that just about melted my insides. And off went the acrobatic butterflies.

"What's your name beautiful?" He had a deep London accent, but his voice had a velvet tone to it. It was a voice made to have women sigh.

"Isabella."

"Suits," he replied, his smile turning into a widespread grin as his eyes ran over my body. The flush came naturally.

"Here on the hen night?"

"How do you know about the hen night?" I inquired, seeing as we had not originally planned to come here.

"Other than the costumes?" he teased. "You're with Alice aren't you?"

I nodded, briefly wondering how he knew who Alice was. My mind was too busy taking in the sight of a tight black t-shirt pulled over an obvious well-built form. It should be illegal to cover something so...so damn sexy. I could only fantasise about how he'd look naked. Unless...

"She's my-"

"I want to have sex with you," I interrupted. Shit, did I really say that out loud?

His brows raised. "That so? Without even knowing my name."

I shrugged lightly. He had a point there. "Well, what's your name stranger?"

"Edward. My name is Edward Cullen." How coincidental? He had the same surname as Alice. Small world huh? Then it dawned on me...

"Fuck."

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

I'm thinking someone may just murder me for this cliffy. But hey, cut me some slack please? It's a first chapter. Got to keep you guys wanting for more or you won't put this story on your alerts. Go on, you know you want to. For me?

The more reviews I get, the faster my little digits type. I know, I'm part-evil. Just like Alice, so all is forgiven, right?


	2. Champagne

**Disclaimer:** Twilight is owned by the genius more commonly known as Stephenie Meyer. Girl power!

Thank you for the alerts, favourites, reviews and PMs. They all made me grin like mad. I'm slightly amazed, I was expecting at the most five reviews, but you beat the amount of reviews **_The Chase_** received for both chapters one and two! And that story has been up for well over a month. I think to begin with it only had about ten reviews in total for both chapters.

Thanks again to the amazing beta **Ruby-Wednesday**.

Oh, and the songs featured (When You Say Nothing At All and Walking In Memphis) are on my profile with a link to them. For the first, check it out whilst reading the appropiate section. It makes it much more romantic.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Champagne  
_by InsatiableHanner

I awoke to the sounds of horns, beeps, shouting and cursing. A mixture of the typical sounds of both London and Rosalie.

I stretched out my stiff limbs, yawned before finally daring to open my eyes. Bad mistake. The sunlight coming through the window hit me instantly and had my head searing in pain. I groaned in agony, where was I?

This wasn't my room, nor Alice's, nor Rosalie's. It wasn't any female's room. From the blue, white and grey colour scheme it was easy to recognise this as belonging to your typical bachelor living in the city.

Oh god. I'd gone and done exactly what I told Alice I wouldn't do. Slept with a complete stranger. I wanted to hit myself but the agony of a hangover seemed to do my punishment justice. Why would anyone subject themselves to this on a regular basis?

Muttering profanities under my breath I yanked back the navy bed sheet and frowned. I was still wearing the utterly horrendous bunny outfit. I patted my head. No, the ears were gone, along with the heels I'd been wearing. My eyes darted around the room in search for them and that's when I finally noticed him.

Edward Cullen. Memories of last night went flashing through my mind. The drinking, the dancing, the fight. Oh jeez, Lauren was going to eat me alive. And then my mind remembered him. The sexy barman, the one with the extremely sexier rear. Alice's brother. I felt the heat rising as I remembered telling him I'd wanted to shag him. Oh, the humiliation!

A crooked smile flashed across his full lips. Even sober the fantasies still shot through my mind. Images of him and that mouth doing everything they could to pleasure me.

"Morning," he said. He stood up from the wicker chair, out of the shadows so I could see the amusement flicker behind those green eyes. I'd been wrong last night, they weren't emerald. They were bordering a beautiful shade of jade.

"Some might consider it pervy to watch a girl sleeping," I muttered in response. My hands automatically went to flatten out my hair - which I knew most definitely would be sticking up at all angles.

He flashed me a grin that had my hands stilling. "Some might consider it rude to collapse on a stranger's bed."

The blush came without me thinking. For the millionth time I wondered why some people blushed in embarrassment. What caused the knee-jerk reaction, the automatic reflexes to turn a face red? Was there a need behind it? Or was it something left from evolution. Either way I made a mental note to look it up on the internet. "You're not technically a stranger. I know your name."

"So you remember last night then." There was that quick flash of amusement in his eyes again, followed by the smile. His smile. "Figured you were too out of it to even have an inkling."

I sent him a purely pissed-off female look. "I remember right up until you told me your name and my reaction."

"And not the after bits?" He chuckled. "You missed out on the funniest parts."

My brown eyes widened. He was joking right? Reassuringly I glanced at my clothes, remembered they were still intact. "What happened?" I deserved a medal in bravery for asking.

"Well, after realising I was the brother of your best friend you kind of sat there in shock." His eyes softened somewhat. Gone was the amusement. "Alice and Rose came looking for you. Alice went ballistic on me, figured I'd slipped something into your drink because you were totally out of it. Ignoring them."

"Alice spiked my drink!" I yelled it, jumping up and glaring at the door. I had to kill her. It was the only way to ease the embarrassment.

"With a little vodka apparently," he replied with a nod. "She confessed all when I asked how much you'd drunk. Alice saw it as a reasonable amount - didn't think you'd get so hammered but she didn't take into account the fact you never normally drink."

"I've seen what it does to people. I never wanted to be the girl who got drunk and ended up shagging some bloke." The words were out before I could stop them. Worriedly, my eyes shot up to meet his intent ones. "Sorry."

His lips curved. "We didn't sleep together Bella."

"We didn't?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'd have loved to take you up on the offer," he answered with a cocky grin. "But when you're sober. Alcohol doesn't make for good sex."

I gave myself a point when I didn't feel my cheeks burning, but I had to deduct one when I instinctively turned my head so I broke his gaze. "I don't normally-"

"Throw yourself on guys?"

My jaw dropped. "I did not throw myself on you," I replied defensively.

"You said, and I quote 'I want to have sex with you', unquote."

I folded my arms across my chest, shot him another one of those female looks. Who did he think he was? He wasn't _that_ good-looking. OK, who was I kidding? He was nothing short of a Greek god. Adonis. Wait, I didn't even know what Adonis looked like. Nor a Greek god, you know, since they don't walk the Earth that often. But if I could picture one it'd look like Edward. "I simply stated my thoughts. I hardly jumped you."

He raised his brows suggestively. "Says the one who can't remember _everything_."

I clenched my teeth, my chin jutting out defensively. "You're lying."

He shrugged lightly, turned to head towards the door. "Yeah, I am. You tried to kiss me though." I was about to curse not being able to remember when he added, "However I politely stopped you. I'm not keen on the smell of a drunk." He yanked the door open.

Insulting barstard.

"Alice and Rosalie are lying around somewhere." Another set of curses ran up the stairs. "OK, so Rosalie may be awake but Alice will still be sleeping her hangover off."

The angered voice of Rosalie alerted me of the day. "What's the time?"

"Eleven."

"Fuck," I cursed, screwing my eyes up tightly. "The wedding!"

"Isn't till one."

I opened my eyes, assessed his denseness. "Hello? This is Alice and Rosalie we're talking about. Three hours is half the amount of time they need to get ready." I shook my head sadly. "Are you going to the wedding too?"

"I think it's compulsory. Emmett would eat my head off if the best man didn't make an appearance." He paused as Rosalie let out a scream. "Scratch that, Rose would kill me."

"You're the best man?" My brows shot up instantly. Damn, I was so going to need that botox. "I thought Jasper was."

"Nope," he replied with an abnormally cheerful smile. Oh yeah, he was surely related to Alice. "Jasper doesn't like the pressure of remembering the ring. I didn't like the pressure of organising a stag do. We compromised." He glanced my way once more before heading out the door, noting he went the opposite way to the trail of Rosalie's curses. Wise man.

x.x.x.x

"It's alright Rose," I soothed, wrapping a protective arm around her shoulder. "Don't cry, we'll have to redo your make up."

"Where _is_ he?" she asked, her chest rising with the silent sobs that she couldn't prevent. A tear rolled down her cheek as she raised her head to meet my eyes. "Bella? Where is he?"

I was at a loss. None of us knew where Emmett was, and no one could get him on the phone, but yet again somehow everyone expected Bella to sort it out. Well, I was fed up with people assuming I'd put everything right. I wasn't a damn miracle worker. "I don't know honey."

"What if he changed his mind?" She was drawing in air so quickly I worried she'd hyperventilate. "What if he doesn't love me anymore?"

"Don't be silly," I replied, bringing her into my arms as we hugged. I was going to kill Emmett. "You know how he is. It wouldn't be Emmett unless he arrived late."

"It's our _wedding_ day!"

"I know, I know. And you look so beautiful," I murmured in soothing tones. I pulled her away at arms length. Watched heartbroken as the tears began to fall more steadily. "Come on, don't cry. For me? Emmett will be here any minute, and then we'll have to fix your make up because you've been crying."

She nodded, her breaths evening out. The worry of hyperventilating passed. "I love him so much Bella."

"We all know that."

"But I'm such a bitch to him sometimes. The poor guy, how can he love me back?" Her eyes were questioning as they met mine. The tears had stopped but the disbelief was evident. "I know I'm pretty but I'm so mean. No guy should want me."

"Emmett is a brave man, taking you on," I replied with a warming smile. "He's crazy taking you on but love makes people crazy. That's how you know he loves you baby, because he's so crazy in love that he's willing to spend the rest of his life with a girl who'll spend most of her time screaming at him."

She laughed through her tears. "He really loves me huh?"

"More than anything."

"OK," she said confidently. "I believe you. He'll be here any minute." She nodded, confirming her conclusion - which put me under the spotlight once again. Why did I open my mouth? What if he didn't show now? Damn it, there goes my pessimistic side again. I knew as much as anyone did that Emmett loved Rosalie. Whenever they weren't looking I stole glances watching how deeply in love they were, watching how their actions showed it. I loved watching the way Emmett looked at Rosalie, his eyes full of admiration, awe and love. It made me more jealous than words could describe. They were so damn perfect together, and so lucky.

Alice came running into the small room with a huge smile on her face. It didn't even falter when she couldn't stop herself in the heels and almost ran smack into us both. "He's here!"

Rosalie's face lit up. It was like switching on the Christmas tree, only much more beautiful. Normally she was pretty damn stunning, no one could deny it, but today, in that gorgeous white sheath dress, her blonde locks painstakingly curled to fall around her with a tiara and train that cost an arm and a leg, she looked beyond words. But it wasn't the dress, the hair or the accessories which made her beautiful, it was the love on her face. The excitement and pure happiness at spending the rest of her life with the man she loved more than herself. And that's quite a lot of love, let me tell you that.

"Why was he late?" She asked. "No wait, nevermind. We're wasting time." She giggled nervously, put a hand to her heart. I imagined she could feel the fluttering of her heartbeat. "God, this is really happening!"

Alice laughed as I said, "It sure is. Who'd have thought? Determinedly single Rosalie getting hitched. The guys from school would have laughed if we said it was going to happen."

"None of them matter," she told us as Alice began wiping away the smudged make up. The girl was a genius, I thought as she began masterfully reapplying mascara and eye liner. A dab of concealer to cover the redness under her eyes which the tears had brought. "Not one guy matters now. I've got my man, my happy ending. I couldn't ask for anything else."

"Five kids and a big house?" Alice suggested with an innocent shrug.

"Well actually..." She smiled as she put a hand to her stomach.

"Oh my god," Alice and I said loudly. "How long?"

"Twelve weeks. I wanted it to be a surprise but god! We're having a baby! Me and Emmett, we're going to be parents!"

Alice began squealing in delight as tears brimmed around my eyes.

"Girls, they're ready for you," Jasper said, popping his head around the door. He smiled when he spotted Rosalie, grinning from ear to ear. "I've never seen my sister look so beautiful."

"Thank you Jasper," she replied. He nodded, made to turn away but Rosalie quickly added, "Jasper?"

"Yes?"

"You're going to be an Uncle."

The look of absolute joy on his face had the first tear rolling down my cheek. Today was firm proof that people did get their happy endings - not always but it was enough to give a girl hope.

x.x.x.x

The ceremony was perfect, going smoothly without hitch. Unless you counted Emmett's lack of punctuality. It took place in a huge Cathedral in the heart of London at Rosalie's insistence. At heart, she came from a Catholic background, and she stuck to it except for the odd cursing, having sex before marriage and the occasional violence. Rosalie called it modern Catholicism. So she got the Cathedral, she got the dress, she got her loved ones watching with tears in their eyes and most importantly she got the man. I'd never loved Emmett and Rosalie so much more than I did now.

I watched in awe as the newlyweds came together in the centre of the dance floor. The first dance was one of my favourite parts of the wedding. I liked to watch the love radiating off of the couple, liked to weep at the lyrics of the song or laugh silently at the typical clichéd choice. In this instance the song was terribly clichéd, but then Ronan Keating was from Boyzone and they were your typical clichéd boyband. But somehow, watching them dance, it didn't matter that the lyrics were so soppy and gushy and predictable. They were the most perfect words to describe not only Emmett and Rosalie's relationship but any couple's relationship if they were truly in love.

_It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart.  
__Without saying a word, you can light up the dark.  
__Try as I may, I can never explain,  
__What I hear when you don't say a thing._

Alice stood beside me. She leant into Jasper's chest, his arms wrapping tightly around her small frame. They both faced them, watching as intently as I was. Jasper was resting his chin on her shoulder, swaying slightly to the music. Alice watched with tear-filled eyes, her thoughts probably much like my own. She sighed contently, smiled up at Jasper. Love shone everywhere, it seemed.

_The smile on your face let's me know that you need me.  
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me.  
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.  
You say it best, when you say nothing at all._

I allowed myself to let a few tears run down my cheeks, probably ruining my make up in the process but I couldn't care any less. So many emotions ran through my head. Jealousy, love, hope. I felt them all, along with the guilt that it was their moment yet I still found myself brimming with envy. I wanted what they had, what Jasper and Alice had. I wanted a guy who was so in love with me that his actions spoke louder than words. I wanted to come home everyday to a husband who'd ask about my day, who'd laugh at my jokes and comfort my blues. Most importantly I just wanted to share my love back, to feel my heart speed up just that tiny bit at his smile. Was it so much to ask for?

I felt the presence of someone approaching from behind as Ronan slipped into the chorus again. I watched briefly as his shadow came closer until it mixed with my own. A raise of my head told me it was Edward.

His eyes met mine - so full of emotion and yet so strong, so comforting. He acknowledged me with an easy smile before he went back to watching the couple. I smiled back - although he didn't see this - and tore my eyes off of him. Ronan was singing with all his might as he fell into the last chorus.

_The smile on your face...  
__You say it best, when you say nothing at all.  
__The truth in your eyes...  
__You say it best, when you say nothing at all.  
__The touch of your hand...  
__You say it best, when you say nothing at all._

I found myself mouthing the words as Emmett and Rosalie finished off their dance, as they stared into each other's eyes and kissed.

_Let me know that you need me...  
__You say it best, when you say nothing at all._

A quiet eruption of applause began as the DJ congratulated the couple. Rosalie turned with Emmett holding her hand and met my eyes. She nodded once, then smiled. I couldn't understand the meaning behind her actions but I smiled back.

Alice and Jasper made like everyone else and soon filed onto the dance floor as the DJ began playing Walking in Memphis. A personal favourite song of mine - no matter who sung it.

"They make a good couple."

I raised a brow as I turned to face him. "Which couple? Rose and Em or Jasper and Alice?"

"Both." He seemed unwillingly to continue so I nodded, looked back to the dance floor.

"Care to dance?"

I rolled my eyes playfully but smiled at him, holding my hand out in the traditional way - palms up to receive his hand. When his strong hand found mine I couldn't help but notice the slight callousness to them. He led me onto the dance floor. I was slightly amazed when the dancers parted to allow us right up to the centre. It was something I'd seen happen countless times with Rosalie and Alice - whether dancing on their own or with their partners.

"Just so you know in advance, I'm a shit dancer."

"And foul-mouthed."

I frowned, looking at our feet as he began to move his, mine somehow following.

"Don't look at them, just let yourself fall into it."

I nodded, raised my head again willing myself to do this one thing right. "I'm not foul-mouthed," I argued, deciding the best distraction was a good old fashioned debate.

"You swear like a sailor."

"Only around arrogant men."

He seemed unconvinced. "Alice always tells me you're quite foul-mouthed."

"Firstly, Alice shouldn't be bitching about her friends," I countered. "Secondly, it's not like you've never sworn."

He raised a brow in response. I'd always been mesmerised by a guy who had the strength to put all emotion into one simple action. This one was questioning. "Have you heard me swear even once since you met me yesterday?"

I had to think about that one, and I was kind of miffed to realise he was right. Not one bloody curse. What was he? Some sort of freakish non-swearing freak? Oh yeah, great cuss Bella. I shook my head.

"My point proven," he replied, leading me further into the crowds of people.

"Why don't you swear then?" I asked, my eyes darting nervously as we came into close contact with moving bodies. Oh man, this was not good.

"My upbringing?"

I shook my head. "That's not it," I replied. "Alice swears almost as much as myself and Rosalie." I glanced at our feet, watched in horror as I stepped on his toe. "Shit! I'm so sorry." I tried to tug my hands out of his but he only tightened his grip.

"Did I not say don't look at your feet?" He asked. His expression was neither hurt, angry or annoyed. Self-control or what? I had, after all, just stabbed his foot with a pretty spiky heel.

I shot him an apologetic look. "Sorry," I murmured again. "I can't dance."

"It's not too hard. You were dancing last night just fine."

My face dropped - earning a chuckle out of him. Please, please god tell me I didn't dance with Edward like I'd danced with that stranger earlier in the night. "Who was I dancing with?"

"No one, everyone."

I frowned. "What?"

"Sometimes you danced on your own, at least till a guy came along to try and dance with you. Sometimes you'd dance with them, sometimes you'd send them on their way." His smile was crooked as he looked at me, as he began leading me again. "You're a very good dancer."

"Alcohol played a part in it. It seems to have the opposite effect on me. Instead of blurring my coordination it seems to enhance it."

He chuckled, leaned close so his nose was near the top of my ear. "I think it was more than just the alcohol," he said, his breath tickling my hot skin. "You're dancing was screaming 'fuck-me'," he whispered.

I froze, half stumbling over his feet as they kept moving. His quiet laughter rang in my ears as I fought to control both my erratic heartbeat and the blush that threatened to creep up into my face. I was pretty sure my ears were turning red. "You swore," I replied stupidly, my eyes frozen at a space across the wall.

"Mm," he murmured, pulling his head away to look at me. An amused expression flickered as his lips curved. "You seem to bring out my inner sailor."

I was simply lost for words. He'd gone from the perfect gentleman - and an annoying one at that - to a guy who sounded as though he might be hired to have phone sex with. Give me a price and I'd be happy to pay it.

The song ended with Edward still chuckling to my silent response. Back into his normal polite self he placed a hand on the small of my back, another hand cupping my elbow as he led me off the dance floor to a round table where Alice and Jasper were already seated.

"Their first dance was so beautiful," Alice said with a little female squeal. "Hey Bella, do you remember when we decided, as kids, what song we wanted our first dances to be to?"

Snapped out of my silence, I nodded. "I can't believe Rosalie got the one she'd always wanted."

"Had to fight for it. Emmett wanted If Tomorrow Never Comes_._"

I snorted. "You're kidding?" My eyes widened when she shook her head. "But that song is far too depressing for a wedding. I mean, it's a song about what would happen if you died!"

Alice laughed. "Poor Emmett, it was a losing battle before it even began. Do you remember what mine was?"

"Angels by Robbie Williams," I replied with a grin. "God, you were so in love with him in the nineties."

"Me and every other girl with eyes and ears." She flashed a smile, quick, brilliant and pretty. "And yours. Amazed by Lonestar."

"I still love that song," I said with a sigh. "I love the lyrics of Angels and When You Say Nothing at all but Amazed just has that...feel to it." I grinned. "Besides that the only other song I really loved was Iris by Goo Goo Dolls. But that one is too depressing for a wedding and it sounds partially suicidal to anyone who didn't see the film it was based on."

"Oh I loved that film," Alice replied with a dreamy sigh. "Your typical romance story yet it still makes me sigh." She turned her head suddenly to narrow her eyes at Jasper and Edward. "You two ever had any thoughts about what songs you'd like?"

Jasper snorted as Edward answered, "To be honest Alice, guys tend not to plan out every minor detail of their wedding when they're actually _due _to be wed, let alone twenty-odd years before."

She rolled her eyes, gave him a kick under the table. "Men are so unromantic." Her eyes flashed with something but it was gone so quick I couldn't read it. She had an idea though, that was for sure. I followed her gaze. Oh no.

"No way Alice, no way," I said quickly, as her eyes met mine. It wasn't nearly dark enough to escape the pleading eyes. "Don't even think about it."

"It's only a little champagne Bella."

"_It's only a little champagne Bella,"_ I mimicked in her voice. "Yeah, tell that to my hangover from last night. Heck, tell it to your brother. He had to suffer with sleeping on a sofa!"

Edward chuckled. "I don't think you should be getting her drunk again, Alice."

She feigned shock. "Again? I never got her drunk in the first place."

I rolled my eyes, gave her a light shove. "Give it up. I knew last night."

"How?"

"Did you not think I'd recognise that the 'coke' tasted a bit off?" I made air quotation marks at the so-called coke.

"No," she replied honestly. "You were halfway towards drunk before you drunk it. Figured you wouldn't tell the difference."

"Well, I did," I said. "Although honestly, I just thought it was diet coke. I started panicking thinking the barman thought I _needed_ to have the diet coke."

"That'd explain why you were eyeing yourself up then." She shot me an innocent smile. "Have _one_ glass of champagne and I promise never to slip you alcohol again."

I relented. Like Emmett arguing with Rosalie, arguing with Alice was a losing battle before it even began. One champagne, I told myself. Just one.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Oh, I am evil. Another cliffy, I'm afraid. I'm about to make it even worse by leaving a few questions hanging. Mwhahaha. Will her self-control slip? Will she get drunk like the night before? Will Alice ever slip her alcohol again? And most importantly, what does the morning hold?

Reviews make me smile. Smiling puts me in a good mood. A good mood means I'll not only feel like updating, but it'll be a great chapter. A great chapter makes you guys happy. So really, you have no choice but to review otherwise you'll be unhappy. Simple. Now what are you doing still reading this? Click that button, yes the blue one. On the left hand side, just below my threats. Yes, that button. Click it and make me smile guys.


	3. Cold Turkey

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight not me. However, I'm sure if she'd have given me the idea I could have written a much better version minus a few annoying characters. Oh, who am I kidding. Bow to her kids for she is the reason for Edward.

Just a quick note. _Herbal Essences_ pops up in here, along with a mild joke which some people outside of Britain may not understand. In England they advertise the products with women usually in some sort of sexual arousal. And they're usually moaning like you do saying, 'Yes, yes, yes!'. I looked it up on good old Wiki, which told me that those types of ads stopped running in the states. So, some may remember the ads, some may not. Anyway, there's a joke about their adverts in it. So you know, laugh. XD And myself and my beta _think_ - and I stress that word - that Lynx is actually called Axe in the states, so just a heads up.

Thanks to the amaaazing beta, **Ruby-Wednesday.**

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Cold Turkey  
_by InsatiableHanner

An extreme feeling of déjà vu swept over me the next morning.

At first my mind became confused and wary at my familiar surroundings because I just couldn't place where I'd seen it all. Again my thoughts travelled along the lines of this room belonging to a bachelor. And again, he was on the wicker chair watching me.

It appeared, however that this time I wasn't in the same outfit as the night previous. Gone was the lilac bridesmaid dresses and instead a man's shirt replaced it. The fabric was soft, warm and comforting and the scent could only mean it was Edward's.

He smiled as I stood up, stretching my limbs to rid them of their fatigue. I had to admit that I was probably teasing him a little when I raised my arms above my head, as the fabric of his shirt slid dangerously high - giving him a peek of my underwear.

I almost laughed when the smile evaporated, when his green eyes turned noticeably darker. Oh yeah, revenge was sweet. After all, he had left me rather flustered and bothered from dancing last night.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," I said as a greeting.

His head moved from my bare legs back up to my face. Power shot through me like electric. "Yeah, my back is starting to feel the effects."

My face fell. "I'm sorry," I replied, stepping up to him. "You could have put me on the sofa, I wouldn't have minded."

He shook his head, stepped back slightly in retreat. "I'd have felt guilty."

I decided to let the subject drop. Today was a new day - one that had no promise of alcohol and therefore, I'd be sleeping in my own warm bed tonight. "So, did I get drunk again?" I frowned briefly at the lack of a headache. Champagne wasn't a kind drink. "Only I don't have a hangover."

"You didn't get drunk," he answered. He took another step back as I stepped forwards. It was like some weird primal dance. "You...ah, fell asleep."

"I what?" I stopped approaching him, frozen to my position. "I feel _asleep_?" My voice was incredulous. This was far more embarrassing than getting drunk, at least then I could blame something. Oh man, Rosalie was so going to murder me.

I guess he caught onto my expression. "It was really late. Alice was almost dropping off herself when we noticed you deep in slumber."

I shook my head, frowning. "I don't just _fall_ asleep."

"You didn't exactly get much sleep the night before, no one can blame you."

I sent him a withering look as I ran my hands through my bed head hair. "I just fell asleep?"

"Yes."

"Oh man," I muttered, closing my eyes. "How did I end up here?"

"I carried you."

My eyes shot open. "You carried me here?" I waved my hands around to gesture his room. Why not my damn apartment for Christ's sake.

He sighed. "If you mean; I carried you to my car, drove for ten minutes then carried you up to my room, then yes."

"You carried me," I confirmed, waiting for his nod before I continued. "You know...that's kind of cute."

"Cute?" Up went a brow again, questioning and slightly amused.

"Yes."

"Women have an abnormal way of looking at things."

I smiled brightly, giving him a light, careless shrug. "It's because our hearts aren't made of ink."

"Such a nice girl," he murmured. "If my heart was made of ink, would I not have carried you?"

"If your heart wasn't made of ink, then you'd have carried me to my own apartment, not yours." I folded my arms across my chest, raised my brows in a yeah-beat-that way.

"What's wrong with bringing you here?" He asked, his hands gesturing like mine had. "It's closer!"

"Because it's slightly freaky waking up in a stranger's bed once, let alone twice."

"We thought about it," he replied. "Alice dug around in your purse for your keys but couldn't find them. We figured you'd left them here."

I scowled. "I gave them to Rosalie. She needed to get Jasper to get my bridesmaid dress yesterday." I froze. "Shit, has she left yet?"

"Her and Emmett left straight after last night. They'll be asleep in a hotel room in Paris by now."

"No, no, no!" I shouted, closing my eyes tightly. Damn it. Seriously, bad luck seems to follow me around. "I don't suppose she left anything behind for me, did she?"

"No."

"Oh fucking hell!" If Alice wasn't awake before, she would be now. "She has my damn keys!" My fingers rubbed at my temples before raking through my hair. In frustration I gave my roots a little tug. "Damn it!"

"Can't you call a locksmith or something?"

"I need my ID..." I trailed off. Did I bring it with me on the hen night? My driver's licence, was it in my purse? "It's in my apartment. I'll call them after I've showered. Explain that the ID is within and I can show them it after they've let me in."

He gave me a nod as he turned towards the door. "We have a local business directory lying around somewhere." He gave my legs one last look before he shut the door behind his retreating figure.

x.x.x.x

I relished in the feel of the jets shooting hot water over my tired and abused body. My feet were screaming for some pampering after the dancing they'd had to suffice.

I ran my hands through my wet hair, frowned when I realised I had none of my toiletries with me. Curiously, I switched off the water to begin going through what Edward had in stock.

Lynx Africa, Lynx Click, Lynx Boost. How many brands of Lynx could one man own? Oh god, there was more. Lynx Snake Peel. God, how attractive. And finally Lynx Recover. _A great shower gel for those mornings after a Saturday night on the razz,_ I read from the label.Could've used that one yesterday, I couldn't help think.

As much as I loved the smell of Lynx, I didn't particularly want to smell like a guy. So I grabbed a bar of soap from the sink and began to lather up my skin with that instead. It took about twice as long but the effects were the same - minus the need of snake peel.

Now, shampoo. Head & Shoulders. Hmm...every scent possible it appeared. However I wasn't a fan of the brand so I continued searching. The bottle of Herbal Essences had me frowning. Did men use this on their hair? The idea of Edward standing in the shower groaning _Yes, yes, YES!_ had me laughing. No, this was obviously Alice's.

I squirted a large handful - noted the tangy smell of lemongrass and lime - and began to lather it into my hair. I gently massaged my scalp with my fingers, enjoying the massage I was giving myself. When the foam mountain threatened to topple over into my eyes, I decided it was lathered enough and stepped under the jets.

The idea of finding conditioner was probably a worthless cause. No man I had ever known actually used the product. Why would they? They use the shampoo to clean their hair, simple.

Satisfied, I switched off the jets and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed a clean, fluffy towel and began gently drying myself off. I was glad fresh ones had been laid out but I wasn't sure if it was Alice's doing or Edward's. Either way, it was appreciated compared to the images my mind conjured up of thin, dirty, muddy, old towels which practically scratched the skin and hadn't been washed. Ever.

Once I figured myself dry enough, I wrapped the towel around my body and entered out into the hallway where I was met with a sudden rush of cool air.

I was humming as I stepped into Edward's room, but the note caught on a strangled scream at the sight of Edward padding around with just his jeans on.

He looked up, a brow raised as I put one hand over my mouth - trying to steady my breathing whilst the other hand went to my heart.

"Jeez, give me a heart attack why don't you?" I let out a short burst of air as my eyes lingered on his chest. Only one thought came to my mind. I was right, the black t-shirt in the club should be illegal for concealing this image.

"I was planning to give you some space to do your girl thing, but you've been in that shower for almost an hour."

I frowned. "Really?" I shrugged lightly as I stepped further into the room. "I was having fun looking at all the different flavours of Lynx."

He chuckled, rolled his eyes as he picked up a CD and slotted it into a rack. "Women like the smell. I'm all for pleasing the women."

I ignored this comment as I sat on his bed, my fingers gently combing through my damp hair. "I don't think anyone has stopped to consider this problem, but I kind of don't have any clothes to change into except a bunny costume and a bridesmaid dress." I shrugged as though it was nothing.

"I'd allow you to wear my shirt but I don't want you teasing the locksmith now." That cocky grin flashed once across his face before he turned his back to me and began tidying things away.

I rolled my eyes, let out a sigh. When there was no response I sighed a little louder.

Finally, he turned around, his eyes narrowed. "What?"

"You're not helping with my no-clothes situation."

He held out his hands, palms up with a shrug. "What do you expect me to do? You can't exactly wear my clothes and Alice is at least five inches shorter than you."

Five inches shorter. Shorter. Shorts. Hmm. "Is it sunny today?" Before he could answer my eyes shot to the window. I smiled at the warmth the sun emitted. "Perfect." I stood up and walked out of the room, leaving behind a slightly confused male.

x.x.x.x

My idea worked. Edward had been right in suspecting most of Alice's clothes wouldn't fit me due to her height compared to mine but shorts were shorts. OK, they probably revealed a bit too much flesh for my liking but it was all I had. Pairing them with a simple white off-the-shoulder strapped top, I could probably walk around in public without getting raped. As long as I was with either Alice or Edward.

Wandering through to the kitchen, I found Edward sitting at the breakfast table eating a bowl of cereal. His head raised to give me a nod of greeting but froze when he saw _the_ shorts. Mm, OK. So, _maybe_ they were a little short. I ignored him, however, and walked over to the counter and poured myself some cereal. I wasn't too bothered about not asking if I could have some.

I decided to eat my breakfast leaning against the counter, my legs stretched out in front of me with my ankles crossing over. I pretended not to watch Edward staring as I ate. It was nice to get some male attention once in a while.

"Do you mind if I use your phone?" I asked, setting my spoon down after I swallowed my mouthful.

He blinked, brought his head up and frowned. "For what?"

I rolled my eyes. "For the locksmith, dummy."

"Oh, right." His eyes crinkled slightly as he smiled. "Sure, it's in the living room."

I nodded, took another mouthful. Finally, he seemed to remember his neglected food and began eating once more.

"Good morning everyone," Alice said in a loud voice as she skipped in. "Did everyone enjoy their sleep?" I'm guessing this was aimed at Edward.

"I feel like I slept on a really crap sofa," he replied, pausing momentarily. "Oh wait, I did." The sarcasm was hard to miss dripping from his velvet voice. It was quite a contrast really.

"Your sofa wasn't cheap," Alice reminded him.

"Yeah, but it wasn't comfy either."

The new wave of guilt washed over me, but before I had a chance to apologise, the more defensive side of me reacted. "If you're going to bitch about it every second, then _maybe_ next time you'll leave me be."

"You wanted to stay in the hall all night?" His brows shot up.

"No," I fumed. "Not exactly." Damn him. I let out a frustrated groan. "Why did Rosalie take my keys with her?"

"She had other things on her mind," Alice concluded after a moment's pause. "You know, about the sex. They say the wedding night is the best thing out of it all, and we both know how much she spent on that lingerie set."

I groaned in response as the memories flashed before my eyes. "Don't remind me. Three hours of wandering around La Senza and Ann Summers stores all over London to get one frickin' outfit. I hope Emmett liked it."

"Emmett likes anything scantily dressed," Edward pointed out as he wolfed down another mouthful. "Hell, he likes anything female, pretty and moving."

He had a point.

"Which reminds me," Alice said, her eyes become mischievous with ideas. Somehow, I was scared. "We're long overdue hosting an Ann Summers' party."

Finished with my bowl, I placed it in the sink before turning to face Alice. I folded my arms across my chest and scowled. "We weren't going to have one again Alice, remember?"

She shook her head innocently.

"Rosalie got peeved with having to organise it through the company, they annoyed her too much," I explained, knowing only full well she knew exactly the reason.

"But it's so much fun," she whined, her pleading eyes locking onto mine. Already I found my resolve weakening. "Just one more."

"No," I replied firmly. In some ways Alice reminded me a lot like Emmett. Both of them hated not getting what they wanted and usually ended up whining or sulking like a child.

She pouted.

"Look, maybe we could have our own version," I suggested, regretting it immediately when her face lit up with the possibilities. "_Maybe_."

She ignored this bit and began grinning. "It'll be _even_ better. We can shop everywhere for toys and games and..." she trailed off momentarily as a new idea popped into that over-worked mind of her's. "Oh, we could hire someone to teach us how to pole dance!"

I wanted to bash my head against the wall. Repeatedly. "Alice, don't get too full of yourself. To hire would cost a hell of a lot, let alone having to buy poles for _everyone_. Do you know how much stripper poles cost Alice? Do you?"

Edward chuckled. "And you do Bella?"

My cheeks flushed. "They're expensive," I replied with a frown. "Good ones can cost over a hundred pounds each."

Alice clicked her tongue in thought. "How about _lap dancing_?" The smile stretched wide across her face as she became excited. "Oh, that'd be so much fun. We'd just hire someone to teach a small group of women and-"

"Slow down girl," I replied. "And where are you planning on holding this sex party?"

"Yours obviously," she replied. "We'd have to decorate your-"

"My place?" Sweet lord. "No way, Alice."

"But Rosalie's place is messy," she whinged.

"So host it here. For Christ's sake my land lord would freak."

Edward's spoon fell to his bowl with a loud clatter. "Whoa. Don't be giving her ideas. You can't have some freaky female party in my apartment! I'll be spending the whole evening keeping Emmett and Jasper away."

Alice seemed unphased by this. "So it's settled. Thanks for offering to be a bouncer Edward." She smiled innocently before bending to land a quick kiss on his cheek. "Come on Bella, we have to start phoning everyone."

God have mercy.

x.x.x.x

"The locksmith can't come till tomorrow," I announced, entering the living room with a sigh. I slumped down next to Alice and rested my head on my hand. "Life sucks."

"Sure does," Edward replied. His eyes were squeezed tight, as if escaping reality. I wasn't surprised, I'd do the same thing if I thought it was worth the effort.

Since unintentionally planting the idea in her head, Alice has been running around crazy planning this party. The date had been set for a week on Wednesday, two days after Rosalie and Emmett returned from their honeymoon. Plenty of time, apparently. I somehow doubted it.

"So, who are we inviting?" Alice asked, tapping her pen on the metal binder of her notepad. "Angela obviously. That girl is so nice, maybe we can bring her out of her shell. What about Leanne from your work? She's a right laugh, but she'll have to find a babysitter won't she? Hmm, obviously Lauren and Jessica are out of the question after Friday night."

"What happened Friday night?" Edward asked, sitting upright.

Alice smirked. "Bella and Lauren had a teensy, wincey, little fight."

His smile was his usual crookedness. "What about?"

"Bella was dancing with a guy that Lauren called dibs on. Well, in her head she called dibs. She shoved Bella, called her a bitch and whatnot and then Bella punched her. Whoosh, she lands on her ass." She smiled proudly, putting an arm around my shoulder as I felt the heat rising. "It was quite amusing."

The snort came from Edward and it had me scowling deep. Right, that was it. Once I got inside my apartment tomorrow and got my purse, I was so heading out to open a new account with the bank for a botox fund.

"So those two are out," Alice concluded. "Oh what about Jennifer? She's a lovely girl. And Emma, she was hilarious on Friday. And of course Emily!" And so it continued.

After a few more hours of Alice verbally bashing me with tedious details about the party I never really agreed to, it was almost sorted. We had a guest list - and were waiting for responses to the invites over the phone, we had a schedule for the party, a location and two big shopping lists. One for the toys, one for the food. Suddenly, it all became a lot of hard work without the interference of someone from Ann Summers.

x.x.x.x

"You OK?"

"Hmm?" I looked up, met the concerned eyes of Edward. "Yeah, sure. Tired and a bit annoyed is all." I ran a hand through my hair as I tied it back into a scruffy ponytail.

"Annoyed about what?" He sat beside me on his bed as I brought one leg under my body to accommodate him.

I let out a small sigh. "Alice can be a bit tiring after a while. Three days spent with her and I'm about ready to pass out. Now adding this party to it all..." I trailed off, frowning. "These parties always end badly."

"If so, then why is Alice so excited to have one?"

I let out a nervous laugh as I lifted my head to meet his eyes. "It ends badly. For me."

I gave him points for holding in the laugh. "How so?"

I shrugged lightly. "Do you know what happens in these parties?" When he shook his head I said, "Well, everything for taste-testing flavoured lubricants, to trying out the latest Rampant Rabbit, to having a go on a sex swing."

"Sounds like fun," he replied, a smile now escaping.

"Yeah, it is fun, for most women." I lowered my eyes to the floor, suddenly feeling shy. "I'm not like Alice and Rosalie. I can't sit there in front of a room full of women test-driving a vibrator!"

I didn't know what he was thinking, and I daren't look at his face in case it carried that amused expression. "So, the foul-mouthed Bella is shy about sex?" He finally said.

"Sex is sex. It's meant to be a secret act between two people whom love each other."

"For a girl who swears like a sailor, you sure are old-fashioned."

This had my head jerking up. "For an old-fashioned kind of guy, you sure think like a modern one." I frowned at his expression before giving his head a light rap with my knuckles. "What goes on in that head? Is the gentleman thing just an act?"

"I don't know what you mean."

I sighed. "A gentleman on the outside but I bet you think dirty thoughts just like every other guy."

His brow cocked up. "_Everyone_ thinks dirty once in a while."

"I don't."

"I find that hard to believe," he replied sternly. "The way you responded last night, I'd say you were thinking along the same things as me when I mentioned your dancing."

He was right, of course. The memories of the fantasies which whipped through my head at his whispered words made me shudder.

He watched this with amusement, stood up. "I thought so. Don't pretend to be prude Bella, I know you're not."

I didn't reply, but watched him move towards the door. After an arguing session, Edward won and he was sleeping on the sofa with me in his bed. Again.

"And Bella?"

"Yes?

"It's nice to see you going cold turkey with your alcohol problem." He flashed me a grin.

"Oh, real funny," I muttered to his retreating back.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

OK, so not much of a cliffy this time. I hope this doesn't affect the review numbers guys. Just a few points I'd like to make that some peeps might not understand. Ann Summers is a very well known chain of stores in the UK. It's mainly known for being the first High Street sex store for women. Basically, we all love them over here. It's the complete opposite of the stereotypical sex store that we all perceive them to be. Balding men looking at porn videos. The store is for women and thus sell products for women including lingerie, nightwear, sex games, erotic novels, vibrators, lubes etc. It's also very well known for hosting Ann Summers' parties in which there is a specific "no men" rule. Basically women meet to talk about sex, have a laugh and test out products in the catalogue for free. I'm pretty sure Ann Summers only exists in the UK, so I'm thinking this description is necessary. I know some views on this may be that it seems rather slutty, but trust me, the shop, parties and customers aren't. It's a hell of a lot of fun, and so I thought it might be interesting to see what our three Twilight girls got up to when surrounded with many 'toys'.

La Senza - formally known as Contessa - is just a women's lingerie store. I'm not a hundred percent sure if they have stores in the states but I think Victoria Secrets is the main one over the seas. La Senza is like the smaller version, I guess.

So, hope you enjoyed that chapter. Remember to review though, otherwise I may become evil and won't update for a while.


	4. Tesco's Finest

**Disclaimer:** Currently I can't afford the plastic surgery needed to become Stephenie Meyer, so alas, Twilight is still not mine.

Wow. Hit over a hundred alerts already. I'm impressed, although slightly disappointed that all you people like this story but can't be bothered to review. I'm still equally astounded by the great response to this chapter, but knowing about a fifth of the people who added this story to their alerts are reviewing isn't too great either. Please review, everyone. Without feedback it leaves me unsure on whether to continue.

Thank you yet again to the writing genius and wonderful beta that_ is_ **Ruby-Wednesday**.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Tesco's Finest  
_By InsatiableHanner

I'd gotten pretty used to awaking in this more than large enough bed, rolling over in my sleepy state to find Edward watching me from that damned wicker chair. So much so, that before my eyes had even opened I found my head facing in the direction he'd be sitting, so you can imagine my surprise when I open my eyes and find the chair empty.

The sun was glaring through the window which suggested I hadn't woken up earlier than usual. Frowning, I rolled over onto my other side to get off the bed. Holy shit! The sight of Edward with his trousers pooling at his feet, his hands just yanking his boxers up into place, had my heart going into frenzied palpitations. Instead of rolling to the side so as to put my feet on the ground, my brain ceased to function and instead of screaming "Stop," it didn't even notice I was running out of bed space and I soon found myself landing flat on my arse with a loud and painful thud.

I guess the sound, or most likely my streaming profanities, alerted him to my conscious presence for he turned on his heels so quickly he stumbled over his trousers and crashed into me. His arms shot out so fast that before I'd even had a chance to move out the way, he was supporting most of his weight above me rather than crushing me to death. Part of me thanked his reflexes - ones much better than my own - whilst the other part was slightly disappointed I wouldn't have his body all over mine. I took comfort that his bare leg was against my own, even if only for a few seconds before he rolled off of me.

"Do you always watch unsuspecting guys change?" He asked, his breathing heavy and noticeable as he lay beside me, staring at the ceiling with feigned curiosity. It was as if he was..._scared_ to look at me.

"Only when it's worth the risk," I replied with as much confidence as I could muster. That is, until I looked down at myself and all that confidence drained from me. My stumble had caused the shirt I was wearing to gather under my bust, revealing an alarmingly large amount of pale flesh - far too much for my liking - so that Edward had received a view of the borrowed underwear from Alice. I internally groaned, wishing to kill that pixie for giving me the most saucy, red, lace _things_ I'd ever seen. It seemed perfectly OK yesterday, when I figured them to be safely tucked away under other clothes but now I wished, more than anything, to be wearing a pair of old baggy knickers. I could only imagine how much Edward had seen in those few seconds - and my imagination was a scary place.

Eventually, he rolled onto his front and pushed himself off of the floor. He leant over me to offer a hand, and when my own hand slipped into his I saw his eyes dart down to me before shooting back up towards the ceiling with a curse. It almost made me laugh as he pulled me to my feet.

Now standing, the shirt fell back down my body and over my hips. To be sure though, I smoothed it down, pulling it as far as it would reach to make sure nothing was showing any longer.

"I don't think I'm going to get that image out of my head," he muttered, moving away from me to finish changing.

I rubbed my chest, felt my heart beat slow. Was I that ugly? Was the image he saw that disturbing? "Gee thanks," I replied with a bitter tone.

He finished pulling on the jeans, zipped himself up as he turned with a frown imprinted on his sculpted face. "I meant it as a compliment."

I raised a brow, folded my arms as I took on an untrusting stance. "There's no need to lie, Edward, I'm a big girl. I can take the criticism, and I don't need you to sugarcoat what you really mean."

I wasn't sure if he was taking the piss or whether he did it sub-consciously when he mimicked my posture, his strong arms folding over that chiselled chest. If I wasn't slightly pissed off I might have drooled. "I don't lie," he said, his voice low and serious.

"Everyone lies, Edward," I replied with a scowl. I went to move past him, towards the doorway but he stepped in my way. When I tried to sidestep him he just followed suit and blocked my path once more. With an aggravated sigh, I shoved his chest lightly. When he made no move to comply with me, I said, with an annoyed tone, "Do you mind?"

His arms unfolded themselves to rest at his sides, but his eyes still took on that dangerous glare. "Why do you doubt yourself so much?"

I shrugged noncommittally, unwilling to answer. When he gave my body a light shove I replied, "I don't doubt myself, I see myself quite clearly thank you." I gestured to my own body, with a weak smile. "I see what everyone else sees, I neither doubt myself nor become deluded. I know exactly what I look like." I was babbling, I knew that, but somehow I couldn't stop myself. "And it is annoying when men lie about someone's looks. This is why you get the tarty girls becoming self-deluded and cocky and become one of the most annoying people to hang around with."

When I finished my rant, he raised one brow high on his forehead to the point where I wondered if he'd need botox too. "Always one to blame males."

"Well, it's true," I muttered, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Maybe. I'm not saying it isn't. It sure does lead to some annoying girls but, don't doubt me when I say this-Bella, look at me." His voice was firm and commanding, and when his hands took my wrists tightly I found myself looking up at him. "You are beautiful, more so than those silly, self-deluded women you talk about, and don't you ever think you're not."

My heart fluttered - only slightly, so that I wondered if it really happened - but I found myself still unable to answer. Instead, my eyes lowered down to the floor. When he gave my arms a shake to catch my attention, I involuntarily flinched.

"Oh god." The velvet tone was softening compared to his authoritive one and filled with panic, and it immediately made me feel guilty. "Bella, I wasn't going to-"

"I know," I replied quickly, cutting him off before he could say anymore. "You're not the type to hit a woman Edward. I was being silly, I-"

"You weren't being silly," he interjected with a scowl. His hands now relaxed their grip but stayed firmly where they were, as though expecting me to jolt. "Who hurt you?"

"No one." I wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Bella," he said in warning. His hands moved from my wrists up my arms before reaching my face. Gently he cupped my cheeks and tilted my head so that I _had_ to meet his eyes. "Does Alice know?"

"I didn't want to worry her," I said, my words ending on a cowardly sob as my emotions bubbled over. It had been my secret, my horrid secret that I never wanted to reveal. How had I told him? When had I let my guard down? A feeling of nausea swept over me as I felt my stomach quiver with guilt, anxiousness and fear. Fear of what had happened_._ "I'm sorry," I sobbed out. "I'm so sorry."

Up this close his eyes seemed lighter, filled with a mixture of anger and sadness. It almost broke me. "Don't apologise Bella. What was his name?"

I shook my head as another violent sob threatened to escape from my lips. I looked down to the ground in shame. It seemed so long ago, such a distant memory but even though it was just that - just a memory, it still brought the familiar feelings with it. The ones I'd felt at the time, and shortly after. I'd been weak and I was ashamed that I'd been weak. "I don't know his name," I mumbled, unwilling to bring myself to meet those angry eyes.

"You didn't know the guy's name?" His brows shot up.

"It's not what you think it was. I wasn't knocked about by a boyfriend or anything." I laughed nervously at the thought, I could have dealt with that. "I was a random victim. A random target for a group of men."

"Oh Bella." I felt him draw me towards the comfort of his chest, felt his arms encasing me. For one panic-stricken moment I felt claustrophobic in his confinement, despite knowing his intentions were meant well. Since the attack I'd struggled with basic human touch, with other's basic needs to want to comfort others. I was alright touching others, if it was my own decision but a sudden hug or hand on my shoulder could send me fleeing or end with me having a panic attack. It took all my will not to jump when Rosalie or Alice hugged me. "Tell me about it."

I steadied my breathing as he held me. I was vaguely aware of being moved towards the edge of his bed, as he held me in his lap steadily rocking my body. I found the motion soothing. "It was when I first moved to London, just before university started. I was moving in my stuff for my apartment and realised I'd never thought about buying food and drink ready for my move. I went out one evening, took a bus because I was a student. The bus stopped about five minutes from the supermarket I wanted to go to, because I had to go to one of the cheapest. On my walk there I rounded a corner into an alley-way and I heard their footsteps. They were drunk, I realised this pretty quickly. They were arguing about something as they approached, but their words were slurred, and then they noticed me." I shuddered at the memory of their words.

"Go on," he whispered, his sudden words giving me comfort.

I nodded, shook my head to rid the ghost feelings. "I heard one of them attempt to whisper to another about me. They were so drunk that he couldn't quite pull it off and I heard those words quite clearly. _I'd like to bang that_. I remembered the sudden increase of my heartbeat as my strides got longer and quicker. I wanted to get out of there but somehow I convinced myself it was nothing. Hell, I think that kind of thing in clubs. Maybe not so...crudely but they were drunk. I relaxed a little, until their voices got closer and they began laughing. I started to run, but one of them caught up and knocked me to the ground. Before I could even feel the ground hitting me, he'd kicked me in the stomach. Three times." I rubbed my stomach then, almost feeling the pain shoot through me. "One of them was laughing as my attacker straddled me. I wasn't stupid, virginal but not stupid. I knew exactly what they were planning to do, so I screamed and yelled for help. I was in Soho, one of the red light districts. People ignored the screams of women because they tended to think the usual. Just some whore getting more than she bargained for."

He rubbed my arms, willing me to continue but I felt sick to the pits of my stomach. It was horrible playing the event over in my head, horrible as the feelings returned along with what felt like the pain they'd given me. I knew it was just a memory of the pain, but it still hurt.

"He ripped my shirt off, gave it to his friend who began laughing. Another one released himself and began stroking his...erection." I felt ridiculous when I began to blush. "I guess the best thing for me was to numb it all. It was like being in a dream. Like seeing it all but I didn't feel it. I just...blanked my mind and thought about other things." I almost laughed as I remembered what I'd thought about to occupy myself. "I thought about what I needed to buy in the supermarket, about getting a job and having to make a trip to see my father for his birthday. I even thought about getting a dog but decided not to because it wasn't ideal with my apartment on a third floor building. I'm ashamed to admit I didn't even try fighting, there were four of them against me."

"They raped you?" It was hard to miss the anger, the rage over some drunken men's actions.

"No, no. Thank god, I'd be mentally disturbed if it had gone that far." I smiled weakly, unravelling his arms so I could stand. I turned to look at him, met his eyes. "I was extremely lucky. Two men were passing by, they saw what was happening. Although it was two against four, they still had the upper hand because the other men were drunk. They scared them pretty bad and one of them took me to a hospital. I guess I looked pretty bad. It was kind of sweet, they stayed with me until a doctor arrived. Then they came back the next day to see how I was doing. I'm forever in their debt."

"Were you OK though? Physically? You must have had a few broken bones."

I nodded soberly. "Two broken ribs, one cracked. A bone shattered in my wrist. Many, many stitches. Most of them healed pretty well, one stayed scared though. It's in my hair line though, towards the nape of my neck. I can't ever cut my hair short because it will show then," I said with a weak laugh. "They were worried about internal bleeding, but it was much worse. The blows to my stomach damaged my womb. I was told that the likelihood of having children was low. I'd have no trouble conceiving a child but carrying it for the full months, or at least past the safe point would be extremely doubtful. I was told I'd probably miscarriage. That broke my for a while. I suppose, in a way, I can understand why men get so sensitive when they're infertile. We're made to make children, and if we can't do that then we're not fulfilling our purpose. I feel useless as a woman."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," he replied, his shock evident in his voice.

I glared at him. "Why?"

"Because it is!" He stood up suddenly causing me to take one step backwards. "For starters you still have a chance of having children. It's not impossible. Secondly, thousands of women around the world have reasons that cause them to struggle having children. They cope, adjust. There are other options."

The conversation had taken a sudden swerve from spilling my heart out to arguing the toss. "The odds are against me, and maybe I damn well deserved it!" I screamed, charging away from him. I wanted to pull my hair out, to scream and yell until my throat was raw and hurting. Mostly I just wanted to cry. Who did he think he was? The stupid man. He didn't know, he didn't understand how it felt! "I was too weak to even try defending myself and I paid the consequences."

He didn't approach me from my new position across the room, but the full-blown glare I was receiving only seemed to worsen. "You're being stupid!" I only folded my arms in response. "What, did you think God was punishing you? You were _attacked_. You were vulnerable, out-numbered and scared to death. No one could have expected you to escape!"

"I'm not saying I could have. I'm smart enough to realise I didn't stand a chance against four men, I only-"

"They were not men, Bella." The fierceness in his voice shocked me. "They were anything but men."

"Either way," I replied. "I'd have never stood a chance but maybe if I'd tried to, maybe if I'd made it more difficult they'd have either given up or not have had much time to do their worst."

"Who are you kidding?" He yelled, his hands fisting by his sides. "If anything they might have got even more aggressive. You could have been worse off by struggling."

I'd never considered that point, that maybe if I'd fought back their punches and blows may have been even harder in an attempt to silence me. For all I knew, defending myself might have led to even worse injuries. The thought made me sick. "I'm sorry." The words sounded weak and quiet. They reflected how I suddenly felt.

"Don't apologise," he reminded me. "You have nothing to apologise for. It wasn't your fault Bella, and it's behind you. Have you considered therapy?"

I choked out a laugh, shook my head with a slight smile. "God. I couldn't do therapy, Edward. I'd end up biting off the poor person's head." I shook my head again, massaged my temples when the signs of a headache began. All this shouting was worse than being hung over. "I don't need the therapy. I've gotten over most of it, I've accepted that I may never have a child of my own blood. I've had almost three years to get over it. I'm fine."

"I think someone once said that when a woman says she's fine, she usually isn't."

I shrugged lightly. "Then your sources are correct, except this time. Really, I'm fine. You just caught me off guard, I'm sorry I unloaded all that on you. I'm usually very good at keeping it locked up inside me."

"You shouldn't keep it locked up." Cautiously, he crossed the room to where I stood, his hands held up as if offering peace. "Eventually you'll go crazy with it."

"I've released my anger and sadness already. My father knows, my mother and now you. I briefly spoke to a police officer about it, she wanted to use a rape kit on me. Some of the doctors suspected I may have blocked the more harmful thoughts from my memory. I told them I was very much still a virgin, and that the man on me hadn't even gotten a chance to unbuckle."

He looked like he wanted to say more on the subject, but he held whatever it was in and instead raised his wrist. A glance at his watch had him saying, "You'd better get dressed. You're supposed to be meeting the locksmith in twenty minutes."

"Shoot," I muttered, my eyes darting around the room to rest on the items Alice had neatly laid out the night before. Sometimes I loved that girl. "Would you give me a lift? Only I won't make it in time without-"

"Sure, Bella," he replied with a warming smile. "You've got five minutes."

x.x.x.x

I spent the first hour back in my apartment cleaning. You'd think I'd be happy just to be returned to my home but I found the comparison of Edward's place to mine unnerving. I'd gotten used to his immaculate apartment, and now standing in the living room it felt like a bomb had hit it. In reality, the throws on the sofa were slipping off the leather, there was a cushion on the floor, a few magazines splayed across the coffee table and one shoe half tucked behind the long draping curtains.

When I was satisfied I could relax, I made myself a cup of tea and prepared myself to spend a gruelling evening by the computer, ordering just some of the things Alice desperately wanted for this party with her credit card. Apparently I make money for absolutely no reason because Alice is defiant that she's paying for it all. Well, I'd just sneakily order a few items on my own card. She'd never notice, would she?

I had some soft, soothing Phil Collins playing in the background, his gentle, talented voice filling the quiet apartment. I hummed along to You Can't Hurry Love, as I logged onto the Ann Summers' website. Despite not wanting to host one of their parties, we couldn't deprive the company completely. We had to be reasonable, they were the best UK providers of the kind of thing we wanted.

I decided the evening wasn't a complete loss as I flicked through their products. This was better entertainment than any television programme I'd be able to find. Rampant Rabbit: Version This Is Gonna Cost Ya, make your own vagina, stripper poles, hand-held vibrators. Wow, make your own willy. Why didn't we just kill all of the men already? Obviously they were of no use now, nothing a bit of Ann Summers couldn't cure. We could freeze the sperm for when the population became sparse. Man, would that be heaven. No frickin' men.

I ordered what Alice had listed, adding three products to my own credit card. For the sake of it I shoved in some edible underwear - enough for everyone who was invited, and some _interesting_ flavoured lubes. Part of me dreaded this party, whilst another was excited at having the opportunity to really discuss and hear about sex. I found it hard discussing the topic with Rosalie and Alice. They were so free and confident to talk openly about all those guys. I felt so inexperienced next to them. Well, I was really. To some degrees I was as innocent as a child, a virgin, but in actual fact I wasn't completely pure. I'd played around some, explored the degrees of a sexual relationship without the sex. I didn't like to think of myself as innocent, because I wasn't.

Finishing my task from Alice, I switched off the computer enjoying the sound of my music as it floated to my ears. The sounds of In The Air Tonight, filled my senses and I basked in the glory that it gave me. Phil Collins - along with the band Genesis - were among my favourites, where I felt most relaxed. If I'd had a busy and hectic day in university, I knew I could come home, curl up on the sofa listening to his voice and feel better almost instantly as those first words started up.

I wondered briefly how I was expected to do anything over the next few days. I wouldn't be able to leave my apartment because I wouldn't be able to get back in. I contemplated asking Alice if I could stay with her and Edward until Rosalie returned but I didn't want to appear needy. Instead I opted for texting Alice, letting her know I was running short of supplies and if she'd be able to pick some basics up for me at some point.

I was still upset about my earlier conversation with Edward. Although it felt good to talk about it, I couldn't help but feel a little jumpy. The conversation had returned the fears I'd felt to begin with, in the months after the attack. One pressing fear, had me double checking the lock on the front door and I pulled the chain across to be safe.

The odds of falling asleep were low. I was too anxious, too nervy to let my mind and body rest. So I raided in my kitchen, searching for anything that may help me. I didn't own sleeping pills so instead I opted for the bottle of red wine in a cupboard. I'd probably bought it at one point for when Alice pops through. The girl liked her red wine, but right now I needed it. Judging by Friday's performance, the alcohol would ease away my fears and finally I'd be able to sleep.

I took it upstairs with me, not bothering with a glass. I'd only knock it over during the night. I closed the blinds, switched on my bedside lamp so the main ones could be kept off. After changing into my pyjamas, I slipped under my cold sheets, snuggled into the pillow as I took my first slug of wine. Not as good as Vodka and Coke, and not nearly as nice Champagne but it did the trick. By the time I was halfway through it, my eyelids were drooping and I felt the sudden onslaught of fatigue that had been building.

Vaguely, I remembered glancing at the bottle's label to find out what type of wine it was. My tired eyes sought out the words, but I struggled reading the smaller print. Instead I read the brand. _Tesco's Finest._

Great. I was getting drunk on a supermarket's attempt at something tasty. Man, was I sad.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Tesco is a supermarket in the UK. Most supermarkets have their own brand items. Tesco has it's value range, and it's finest range. It's usually just slightly cheaper versions of products which already exist. Not sure how the whole supermarket thing rolls in America, but here's the information just in case.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's much less teasing compared to the earlier chapters, but I felt the moment was right. I had always planned on getting Bella to have problems with producing kids, and I wrote this chapter three different ways. I considered an abusing ex-boyfriend, a horrid Charlie and her being raped but in the end I tried to link it to Twilight some. Bella was attacked - and almost raped - in Port Angeles in the real book. Edward managed to save her before anything major happened but we all know what might have happened. But don't complain about Bella and Edward's lack of sexual tension. I made him topless during it, didn't I? I promise to add some more sexiness back in the next chapter.

So, if you want some sexiness, you know what to do. You don't? Honest? Well, it's simple. Review lots, and I'll type lots. Mm, OK. That's a lie. I already have chapter five written but you get the point, right? Good.

One last thing. Breaking Dawn doesn't release until the 4th, so I probably won't be on in order to avoid anybody posting information about it. I'll be able to read the whole book in one day, so I'll be back on the Tuesday most likely. So, until then. Have fun reading.


	5. Beverages

**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight - and unfortunately Edward too - but if anyone knows anything about identity fraud...well let me know. **;)**

Thanks for all the reviews everyone. They mean a lot to me. Apologies if I didn't reply to every single review, I got confused over which ones I had replied and which I hadn't so I gave up.

**This chapter is from Edward's perspective. I decided the story needed his take on things. Next chapter, we hear the deranged thoughts of Alice Cullen.**

As usual, thanks to my wonderful beta **Ruby-Wednesday**, who not only corrects my spelling and grammar, but offers her support towards this story.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Beverages  
_By InsatiableHanner

It was a cute view, one that immediately had me forgiving Alice for waking me up so early. She was curled up, the bed sheets tucked around her sleeping form as her chest rose up and down steadily. She didn't snore, but sweet little snuffles occasionally came from the small gap between her lips, and every now and then she wiggled her nose as if trying to avoid an oncoming itch there. Her hair fanned around her on the white pillow, creating a halo, and one hand was fisted by her face, a finger twitching every now and then. She looked like a sleeping angel.

It had certainly been a shock to my system waking up in my own bed this morning. An even stranger one to be shaken awake by your little sister, especially when the so-called reason for disturbing my dreams was to go shopping. I'm a guy, I don't particularly like shopping but that little fact seemed to escape Alice's mind when she began yelling at me to wake up.

I sat on a chair by Bella's dressing table, content to sit there and watch her wake up. It was a pretty site, even if the first look that passed her face was annoyance as Alice began shaking her vigorously.

"Come on Bella, get dressed!"

Her lip formed into a pout, her sculpted brows arching temptingly over her Spanish browns. "What are you doing in my apartment, Alice?" Her voice was thick with sleep, annoyance and confusion at our presence. I couldn't really blame her.

"I'm waking you up," she replied with a smile. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

Alice wasn't fast enough to dodge the pillow Bella chucked at her head. It hit the target and bounced to the ground with a satisfying thud. "Why are you waking me up? And how the hell did you get in here?"

"We're going shopping obviously." She said this as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Well, I suppose it was in Alice's world.

"We?"

I chuckled softly, my sound bringing her eyes to meet mine. "I'm the designated bag carrier."

"What, you have no other friends to play with?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes. "Why would anyone subject themselves to this?" She groaned, grabbed a pillow and slammed it over her face as her head bounced down on the mattress. "It's madness!"

Alice scowled at Bella, despite her not being able to see. Or maybe that was the point. "We have to get you some outfits!"

Bella sat upright, sent Alice a look. If looks could kill, well, we'd be having Alice's funeral about now. "I have outfits, I have many outfits. In fact, I have half a wardrobe of outfits that _you_ bought me two months ago!"

"They're so last season," Alice explained.

"So?"

Alice looked lost for words. "So? So?! Bella Swan, you can not wear last season's rubbish! Besides, you don't have the right outfits! I have some specific events in mind."

"Oh sweet Jesus, kill me now."

"I'm serious." Alice pouted at her. "We need outfits for a pool party, some clubbing clothes, a first date dress and oh, of course something for the party next week."

"Firstly, I wasn't invited to a pool party, secondly, I hate clubbing," Bella began, swivelling her body round so her legs dangled off the edge of the bed. I couldn't help but run my eyes briefly over those long, long legs. "I haven't been asked out on a date and why do I need an outfit for the party?"

Alice shook her head sadly. "Bella, Bella, Bella. Oh dear." She moved around the bed to meet Bella on the other side. With a hard tug, she pulled Bella to her feet and proceeded to shove her towards the small wardrobe in the corner. "Look at all this!" She yanked open the door and pulled out a random item. "This has no shape." She chucked it onto the bed and pulled another one. "God, does this belong to an overweight man?"

"Alright, alright," Bella muttered, a pretty blush colouring her cheeks. "But you haven't answered my questions."

"Mike and Jessica are hosting a pool party on Friday, then we're going clubbing in the evening, you might meet a guy during either of these events and you want to look sexy for the party next week." She placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head to the side. "Happy?"

"Not really," Bella muttered, shutting the wardrobe doors. "Why do I want to look sexy for a room filled with women?" Uh-oh.

"Well," Alice began, looking worriedly in my direction. "I spoke to Rosalie last night. She's enjoying her honeymoon by the way. Anyway, she was moaning that she didn't want to be away from Emmett straight after their honeymoon so she made the suggestion of having guys there too! So, I texted everyone invited that they were to bring at least one male person with them. Whether a friend, husband, brother or boyfriend." Alice let out a little delighted female squeal. "I'm bringing Jasper of course."

"So, why am I trying to look sexy?"

"Because you want to look good for your date," Alice informed her. "Duh."

Bella shook her head, groaning slightly at the thought. "And who - dare I ask - have you set me up with this time? I swear, if it's another accountant, law student or biker guy I will actually plot your fall from the fashion throne."

Alice rolled her eyes. "You'll thank me when you find out."

"It's a _blind_ date? Oh please Alice, no one is so cruel. You're supposed to be my best friend!" She turned to face me, giving me the full blast of those pissed-off eyes. "And I suppose you're getting off scott-free, huh? Well, that's no fair."

"Actually," Alice replied. "Edward is coming too."

"Who with?"

"Emily. She didn't have one so I offered Edward's arm for the evening."

I caught the mild amusement flash through Bella's doe eyes moments before her lips curved. "Well, that makes the prospect of this party a damn hell better."

If only we both knew.

x.x.x.x

"Do you honestly expect me to wear this Alice?" Bella asked, whipping back the red curtain to reveal an extremely...well, revealing outfit. Hmm, maybe that's an understatement. The black shorts actually showed the curve of her rear, and the bright yellow tank top was so snugly fit over her chest that I wondered how she was able to breathe. Not that I was complaining too much.

"No, I want you to wash the dishes with it," Alice replied sarcastically. "Of course I expect you to wear it! What's wrong with it? It makes you look sexy, and look at your legs! They look twice as long, pair them with some matching peep-toe heels and you'll have every man drooling over you!"

I snorted. Too late.

"Wait, you expect me to wear this in _public_?" Her voice was so incredulous that it was a few octaves higher than normal.

"Not only are you going to wear it in public, but you're damn well going to pull in it!" Alice's smile was cocky and probably rightfully so. Bella would have every man's attention in that outfit.

"Alice Cullen, are you on crack?!"

I suppressed the snort of laughter, gave myself a point as Alice stood there looking more than just shocked. Finally she snapped out of her state, and scowled. "What's wrong with it?"

Bella's eyes practically popped out of her head as she placed her hands on her hips. "What's wrong with it?" Her brows shot up. "I look like a bloody fluorescent hooker, that's what!"

I shook my head, laughing softly. Big mistake.

She rounded on me, her finger jabbing into my chest as she stepped close. God, I could smell whatever shampoo she'd used in her hair. Something like strawberries. "And what are you laughing at, huh? I'd like to see you wearing this outfit. Bet you'd shut that trap then."

I flashed her a smile as I said, "I doubt they do my size, Bella."

She muttered something under her breath, something that sounded suspiciously like, "Barstard." Then she rolled her eyes dramatically and stormed back into the changing room letting out a stream of profanities.

The rest of the morning continued in a similar fashion. Alice would choose an outrageously skimpy outfit for Bella to try on - and again, I'm not complaining - then the two of them would argue about it before Bella would chuck it at Alice's face and storm off. Shortly afterwards, it would be in a bag along with the receipt - paid for courtesy of Alice. And if Bella asked, I was told to say, "Alice decided she wanted it." I'd just have to pray she wouldn't notice it was in her size.

After Alice declared it was time for the lingerie department, Bella was coming up with everything and anything to end her misery.

"We can leave it for another day!" Bella pleaded, her eyes widening as I'm sure embarrassing thoughts ran through her head. I guess one thought was particularly bad for a deep red blush appeared on her cheeks. "Please, please not now. Not with him." She turned her head over her shoulder to glare at me.

I began gasping for air, taking big suctions but finding no oxygen to relieve my 'aching' lungs. Then I grabbed my heart, widened my eyes and stuck my tongue out and stood still. Unmoving. I guess my dramatics didn't cheer her up, for she just rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong with Edward?" Alice turned her head to look at me too so I straightened up and pretended to look sweet and innocent. I even whistled a little tune. "Is he bothering you?"

"Alice," Bella whined, grabbing her arm and tugging it away from the La Senza sign she'd just spotted. "Don't make me do this! I'd rather get drunk than do this! Please, Alice!"

She stopped dead in her tracks, turned so she had us both in her view. With narrowed eyes she looked back and forth between us. "Why don't you want Edward to see?"

Bella raised her brows and placed her hands on her hips as the shock whipped through her expression. "Seriously? Are you that dim Alice?"

"What?" Her brows scrunched together in confusement.

"I don't want your brother to see me in my underwear!" A few heads turned our way at that comment. Well done, Bella.

Alice turned my way with a blank expression on her face. "He's a grown man, Bella. I'm sure he's seen partially naked women before." She raised a brow for confirmation so I nodded. "See? Stop making it uncomfortable Bella. Are you uncomfortable Edward?" I shook my head. "Well then, no one's uncomfortable. Let's go."

"Wait!"

Alice sighed heavily, rolling her eyes as Bella looked around frantically for some sort of escape. Her eyes landed on a café's sign, welcoming members of the hungry public into the building with the delicious smell of bacon and fresh bread.

"I'm hungry!" Bella nodded furiously, as if agreeing with her own statement. "Why don't we have lunch first?" She glanced at her watch. "It's almost one o'clock. I'm starving." Bella sent me a pleading look, her brown eyes becoming soft and wide whilst she mouthed, "Please." It was far too cute to resist.

"Yeah, she's right Alice," I said, glancing away from Bella's relieved face. "I didn't get a chance to have breakfast this morning."

Alice huffed. I was pretty sure she knew my statement was Bella's doing but she seemed to notice her own hunger then for her stomach let out a loud gurgle. With a sigh and a smile on her lips, she said, "Fine, but you two are paying."

x.x.x.x

We ended up in that welcoming café, a small coffee shop that sold fresh baguettes with pretty much any filling. We snatched a table away from the bustle of busy shoppers and myself and Bella went up to order.

When our time came to served, Bella began reeling off the order whilst I leant against the counter watching the world go by.

"OK, so that's two cheese and tomato baguettes, one BLT sandwich, one tea, one large coke and a chocolate milkshake." The woman's voice was vaguely familiar, creating a prickly feeling on the back of my neck. "That'll be twelve ninety-five."

I already had my wallet out, handing over my credit card as Bella scowled at me. I smiled innocently, and said, "My treat."

Bella opened her mouth to object but she was interrupted by that damn familiar voice.

"If you could enter your PIN, Edward."

My head practically swivelled a hundred and eighty degrees at my name. Then it proceeded to almost fall off my shoulders as I discovered who owned that voice. I shuddered inwardly. Tanya.

"Oh hey," I said, feigning interest as I quickly typed my PIN in. I smiled brightly at her, but my jaw hurt from the force. "How you been?"

"You'd know yourself," she muttered, smacking my card into my palm. "If you'd ever replied my fucking calls."

I winced. I probably deserved that. "I'm sorry, I was busy, what with helping my sister move her stuff about when University broke for the year."

"Oh don't pull that shit on me, Cullen," she sneered, tossing back her strawberry locks. "It's always about some other girl, isn't it?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Alice is my sister. Family comes first, Tanya."

"_Family comes first, Tanya,_" she mimicked, her voice going a few octaves higher. "And who is this huh?" She jabbed a finger in Bella's direction, who took a step backwards with her hands held up in defence. She leaned forwards as if whispering to Bella, but she practically shouted it. "He might be good in the sack love, but he's a two-timing fuck head."

Bella blushed more red than I'd ever seen. "We're not dating."

"Oh yeah?" She smiled then, her mood changing so suddenly that I started to believe she was heading for a loony bin. "Good for you." Deciding her view was expressed enough, she handed me both trays of food and drink with a forceful thud, and yelled out, "Next!"

I was cursing under my breath as we walked away, not daring to see the look on Bella's face. Tanya made me sound like the biggest a-hole in the history of a-holes. "Sorry about that," I mumbled, my eyes downcast as we headed back to Alice.

"It's not your fault," she replied. Her tone was slightly stiff. "Here, let me carry one of those trays."

Thankful, I handed her the lighter of the two as I said, "One of Emmett's friends," I explained as we walked. "Emmett was kind of hoping we'd get together or something so he could have someone to bitch about girlfriends with whenever Rosalie told him off."

She smiled, but it didn't reach those brown eyes of hers. It was as though she forced the smile out of politeness. "What about Jasper?"

"Jasper bitching about Alice?" I raised a brow in question. "I think you know the answer to that one." She laughed lightly with a nod. "Tanya is OK, but she's not my type. She's boring to be honest, although don't judge her on looks. She comes across as a bit of a bimbo, but she's not really. She's pretty smart but I just didn't feel attracted to her."

"You should have told her that," Bella mumbled. "I don't think men get it. We won't castrate them if they say they don't want to date us, in fact most of us will probably appreciate it. It sucks when you get your hopes up, sitting by the phone in wait of a call, and it's even more of a let down when you don't get it."

I thought this over briefly. In all honesty, I hadn't told Tanya any of this _was_ because I was just a tiny bit scared she'd snap my neck or something. I could understand where Bella was coming from though, she was perfectly right. It suddenly made me feel extremely bad for all those times I'd taken a girl's number without even a thought of actually calling her. "I understand," I murmured. "Did it ever happen to you?"

We'd reached the table now, and she slid the tray onto the surface with a small frown printed on her face. "I think it's happened to every girl at some point. Even Rosalie has had it before."

"Had what?" Alice wanted to know.

"The disappointment of not receiving a call from the cute guy at the bar."

Alice's usually friendly face screwed up in annoyance. "Oh god, tell me about. The little shits." The way she spat out the curse had me defensively backing away in fear. And then, as soon as the anger had appeared, it disappeared to be replaced with excitement. And Bella never answered her question as Alice said, "I got a phone call from Rosalie. They're having much fun in Paris. The weather surprised them in being good for once. The sun is shining."

Bella slid into her seat, taking her sandwich and began yanking off the plastic wrapping. "That's good. Have they been up the Eiffel Tower yet?"

Alice shook her head as I sat down. Quickly she snatched up her tea and took a long gulp. "Emmett's afraid of heights."

The absolute pure shock on Bella's face had me chuckling quietly. "Emmett - the big guy at the wedding - is _afraid_ of heights?" When we both nodded her eyes widened. "Jeez, it's the ground which should be afraid of him. I so would not like to be the pavement if Emmett jumped off a tall building." She paused momentarily to take a small bite of her sandwich, chewing slowly - almost thoughtfully. "Hell, I wouldn't like to be the pavement if he was just walking on it."

Alice giggled. "Oh, we shouldn't be insulting Rosalie's husband. It's not right."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Since when do I do what I'm told."

As we ate, the conversation shifted from Emmett and Rosalie, to plans for the summer to everyone returning back to university in September. It was still early July and our summer break had only just begun, but the knowledge of having to return to never-ending classes, small dorm rooms and badly paid part-time jobs loomed over our heads. The only comfort I could find was knowing it would be my last year and then I'd finally have that damned degree under my belt.

After finishing our lunch, Alice dragged us towards that ever-looming La Senza sign. Well, ever-looming for Bella. I wasn't exactly begging not to go.

I think Bella decided to be in denial about what was about to happen. She walked calmly alongside us, her eyes cast to the ground as she walked. She didn't speak, didn't acknowledge when we entered the store and completely blanked everything out. Until Alice begun talking.

"We should get you measured, Bella," Alice announced, staring at her chest as if to estimate. "Most women tend to be wrong about their sizes anyway."

If her eyes could have popped out of their sockets, I'm sure Bella's would have. "What?"

But Alice wasn't listening. "Excuse me?"

One of women dressed in the La Senza uniform smiled politely at Alice. "May I help you?"

Alice nodded and shoved Bella forwards. She almost fell flat on her face. "My friend, Bella, wants to be measured up to make sure she's getting the right sizes. Would that be possible currently or are you too busy?"

"I can do it for you now if you'd like," she replied, heading towards a changing room. "What bra size do you currently think you are?"

Bella blushed a deep red shade at this point, her eyes fleeting nervously towards me and then towards the exit. Alice must have noticed this too, for she stepped in front of Bella's path to freedom.

The woman smiled reassuringly at Bella, placed a hand on her shoulder. "No need to be shy. Most women have entirely the wrong bra size anyway, at least sixty percent of them."

"She usually buys a 34B."

"Alice!"

She shrugged. "What? We were going to be here forever."

"Hmm," the shop assistant murmured, staring much like Alice had at Bella's chest. "I already think you've been buying the wrong size. Let's get you measured up." She whipped back the curtain and gestured for Bella to walk in.

I guess Bella looked up at me one last time in hopes I'd rescue her from entering hell, however, I found the whole situation slightly amusing so I gave her a smile and shoved her lightly towards the room.

Hesitantly, she walked into the room with Alice following. The assistant took a quick look at me before smiling, "Just wait here whilst we get your girlfriend measured."

Before I could correct her she'd disappeared behind a flapping curtain and I was on my own. In a lingerie store. Surrounded by women looking at bras. And knickers. Something was wrong with this picture. I suddenly regretted not bailing Bella out of this.

The next five minutes were hands-down, the most awkward, humiliating and downright cruel moments of my life. As I sat there nervously, trying desperately not to draw attention to myself, women eyed me up like a piece of meat. Man, how do hookers do this?

One particularly keen woman actually came to sit next to me. After a minute silence she finally spoke and the words she uttered almost had me falling off my seat.

"Come here often?"

She was at least twice my age, probably had kids and a husband, and yet here she was, using the age-old chat-up line to me. A guy. In a lingerie store. There was something freakishly wrong here.

"I-I er-"

"See, I told you Bella!" Alice's loud voice boasted as they exited the changing room. I'd never felt so happy to hear my sister's voice.

"Look, shut up Alice. I never wish for you to utter what happened in there, ever!" Her face was flushed with embarrassment, her eyes downcast.

"Finally," I said, standing up and ignoring the women beside me. "You girls take forever." Alice's eyes met mine, then went to the woman's before an amused look appeared on her face. "Help me," I mouthed, my eyes pleading.

"Well, we know how you _love_ Bella in her lingerie," she said with a wink. "She was having a hard time deciding between the teddy and the baby doll."

"Oh," I said, running my eyes over Bella as images swam through my mind. "And which did you decide to buy?"

Bella froze, unsure of what was happening. Her eyes met mine and in them was pure panic-stricken horror. "I-I-"

"You naughty boy," Alice interrupted. "You'll find out soon enough tonight when Bella gives you your birthday treat."

"Can't wait," I drawled, noticing with happiness as the woman finally got the hint and walked away. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I'd have kissed Alice's toes if I knew it wouldn't blow our cover. "You are the best sister in the world, the greatest. Everyone is envious, you are my saviour!"

Alice chuckled. "Not used to this many women huh?"

My eyes suddenly narrowed. "I withdraw my last statement."

"Why's that?"

"I just remembered it was your stupid idea to come in here," I replied. "Can we go now?"

Alice just shook her head. "We've got her sized up. Now we know she's been buying the wrong bras, we'll have to replace them all."

Mine and Bella's groans were simultaneous. Not even the idea of being used as an unbiased critic towards lingerie on Bella would make the prospect of shopping in this _place_ better.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Phew. Poor Edward, wait no. Poor _Bella_. She'll be permanently red by the time Alice is through with her. Originally this chapter would only feature a small portion of shopping before cutting to Edward and Alice talking on their own in the apartment. The shopping scene ended up being the whole chapter, so hopefully it won't be too boring.

And **Oh my fucking Carlisle.** I got nominated for a Twilight Award. Seriously, I love whoever nominated me. Although, in all honesty the odds of winning are way against me. Jeez, I'm up against some pretty tough competition and I only have five chapters. I'm even up against the story which _I_ nominated for the award. -whistles-

I'm up in the categories of 'Most Comedy' and 'Best Human Edward' which surprises me really. This story was always planned to be comedic, but I haven't barely started on the comedy side. And people like my human Edward? Again. Surprised much? My Edward is pretty much like Vampire Edward, only he's more flirty. He's still patient, smart, prude and a bit annoying. But, whatever. I still love my mysterious nominator. Keep an eye out for when voting is up.

Yes, there's more. **NOTE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ BD, STOP NOW.** Breaking Dawn released in the UK yesterday and I've finished reading it. Hence why I'm updating. I knew everyone in America seemed to hate it before it was released, mainly because everyone was bitching about it all over this site. My own views on it are positive. I liked the book, the twist on Bella's pregnancy. I don't think I could have spent half the book reading about the nine months. I'm annoyed with the name the baby was given - yes, both Jacob's version and Bella's. I'm glad Edward and Bella got some sexy time but I'm frustrated I didn't get to read about it but then the book would have some stupid warning attached. Maybe I'll do a lemon oneshot of what I think might have happened. I'm annoyed as per usual by Jacob's attitude - I love him really, because my heart tells me he is a good guy but I just hate his personality. If I ever met him I'd figure him to think the sun shone out of his arse. Which he probably thinks in the books anyway. But this minor annoyance was apparent in all four books so I'm not disappointed with Meyer for it. The only thing I really dislike Meyer for was that there was no Epilogue of sorts of maybe their future? A scene perhaps of Renesme/Nessy older playing around with Jacob, or even getting married to him or even - dare I say it - giving birth to his child. I like to the know their future is bright and hopeful but that's a personal preference than a complaint. But I guess Meyer would probably have wanted us to make up our own minds on what happened. The story has to end somewhere to allow our imaginations to run freely - and it gives us some leverage on FanFiction huh? There's bound to be a spurt of JacobxNessy stories now. Gah. It probably means if I ever do a story with Bella and Edward having kids, I'll have to use that name. Thanks for that Meyer. Maybe I'll alow myself some artistic liscense on that one. **END SPOILER.**

Now, of course. You _know_ what to do by now. I'm loving each and every review, so keep 'em coming guys.


	6. Saliva

**Disclaimer:** Meyer owns everything except the popcorn. That, I'm afraid, belongs to the popcorn King and Queen. Be jealous, I know I am.

Wow. Lots of reviews. Well, thank you a thousand times over. I honestly had no idea the response to this story would be so great, it's doubled the response that _**The Chase**_ got for the first few chapters, so applause please? You guys rock.

As always, many thanks to the wonderful beta of _**The Effects of Alcohol**_, whom we all owe a great deal to. Oh yeah. Applause for **Ruby-Wednesday**, please.

Don't forget, this story was nominated for the **Twilight Awards**. I'm not expecting to win, but if you want to vote for mine or anyone else's story, you can find the link on my profile. Good luck to everyone.

The first half of this extra long chapter will be made of Alice, Jasper and Rosalie's perspective with the other half of it entirely in Bella's. This is probably a one off but I wanted to join Rosalie and Emmett briefly on their honeymoon as well as provide different views of the whole Bella/Edward thing. Unlike with _**The Chase**_, I want to put Jasper and Alice's relationship in the open too. I'm not the biggest fan of the pairing - don't ask me why but I find it the most boring of all of them - but, I don't know, after reading Breaking Dawn I kind of fell in love with Jasper. Not the couple so much, but I began to love Jasper. So, I wanted to have his little say towards his girlfriend shoved in. Anyway, enjoy.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Saliva  
_By InsatiableHanner

_**Alice's Perspective.**_

"Alice?"

I looked up from my magazine - Vogue - and raised a brow at my brother. "Edward, I'm trying to read here. What is it?"

I watched with amusement as my, usually calm, brother tried to chew a hole in his cheek. His dark brows furrowed together as he leant forwards in his seat, his arms resting on his knees. "Do you think we could talk? I-I want to talk about something."

I let out a small sigh, recognising his expression. I grew up with that damn expression, and I should be the one to know something was eating him up inside, either that or he was severely constipated. "Of course, Edward," I replied, placing a pen on the page I was reading before closing it shut. "What's up?"

His expression relaxed mildly but his eyes still seemed stressed out. I couldn't be entirely sure though, that it wasn't still due to yesterday's shopping trip. I'd never seen him so worked up in my entire life, and it wasn't entirely due to seeing Bella in her underwear. Poor guy. "It's about Bella." His mouth opened again to say something, but he must have changed his mind for he quickly shut it again. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I sat in silence trying to read the expression on his face. It was blank. "Who's her date for the party thing on Wednesday?"

I frowned, pursing my lips in thought. Millions of things ran through my brain at that moment; it's a wonder my head didn't explode as I tried to understand the meaning behind his words. Why in the world did he care? "Just some guy I went to school with. He goes to Oxford but he's staying in London for the summer."

He seemed to think this over in his mind, processing what I'd said. I'm sure if I'd given him anymore information he'd be trying to put a name and face to the description.

"Has Bella said anything to you," he said, changing the direction of the conversation. "About me specifically."

"What, other than call you a jerk?"

He scowled. "I'm serious, Alice."

I let out a sigh, running a small hand through my short black hair. "Look, Edward, she's known you for - what, five days? - and in that time, I've been on my own with her about three times. She briefly asked if she embarrassed herself on Friday in front of you and mentioned if you'd ever taken a dance class, but otherwise; no, she hasn't. Edward, what is this all about? Why do you even care?"

He ran a hand over the two day's growth on his cheek, probably making it red in the process, before raising his head to meet my eyes. "I'll be honest with you, Alice, mainly because I don't want to annoy you in all this and because, I guess, I want your permission."

"Permission?" My brows shot up in question. "Permission for what? Edward, please; stop being so cryptic."

"Bella," he said, his voice raising loudly. "I know she's your friend and there's probably some stupid girl's code that stops her but, you know, I think I should be allowed a free pass. You're dating one of my best friends too and it's a little unfair that you'd get to but I-"

"Edward," I snapped, frowning at him. "Calm down. You're babbling. What are you trying to say?"

"I want to ask her out."

"Who?"

"Bella!" He muttered some profanity under his breath, running his hands roughly through his bronze hair. "Damn it, Alice."

"Alright," I muttered back. "Calm down. No need to bite my head off."

"Well? Am I allowed?"

I shrugged lightly and watched the exasperated expression appear on his face along with the annoyed one. I flashed a smile. "I'm a little surprised you're even asking me, Edward. I mean, I hardly asked for permission to go out with Jasper."

"No, you didn't," he replied, scowling. "However, Jasper did."

I arched my brows - surprised at this revelation. "Really? I didn't know that."

"How else do you figure him being alive currently?" He shook his head, strands of his dishevelled hair flying around his face. A small smile played at his lips. "Jeez, was it not a surprise when I didn't punch him after finding you two making out on the sofa?"

I snorted, images of his face returning in my mind. Oh boy, that had been an amusing night. For me, not him. "So, Bella huh?"

He let out an audible groan, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. "Don't do this to me, Alice, I'm begging you."

"Honestly, Edward," I said in mock disapproval. "Do you think so little of me?" I'd allow him five seconds of peace, a few measly seconds to find a false sense of security. God, I am so evil. "So, you fancy my best friend. Was this before or after seeing her in sexy lingerie?"

x.x.x.x

"Oh god, you haven't even heard the funniest part yet," I said, clutching my sides as I tried to hold in the laughter. I let a snort slip as I remembered the scene from years ago. "So, he comes out of the bath naked and my innocent four-year old self looks at his willy and I say, 'How comes I don't have one of those?' to my mother."

Bella's face screwed up with laughter. I could practically see her imagining myself and Edward in the scenario, her mind making it even more over the top. "Oh my god, what did she say?"

I shook my head, biting on my lip as my shoulders shook. "She didn't say anything but Edward went, 'Must have lost yours down the toilet.' And you guess what? I went charging to the toilet, stuck my head down it to look for it!"

"You didn't?" Her mouth formed a small O as her eyes widened in disbelief. "And Edward was, what? Six?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "He always used to wind me up like that, still does to an extent. Making up stuff just to see the look on my face."

"I just can't believe you went looking for your non-existent willy in the toilet!" Another round of laughter had us both gasping for our breaths.

When our laughter finally died off, we ventured into Bella's kitchen in search of a liquid miracle known as alcohol. Wait, we were in _Bella's_ house. Hmm, coke will have to do. Sugar highs are almost as good as being drunk.

Bella passed me a can of coke, opting for the bottled version herself. She had a huge distaste for canned drinks, she hated the metallic taste they often left but I embraced the flavour, it was one I loved mixed in with that classic cola taste.

I regarded my friend over my drink, my eyes taking in her appearance first. Bella struck me as very much the stereotypical English girl - if we went back at least twenty years. She had that English Rose appearance to her, almost classically pretty. It disheartened me greatly to listen to her put herself down time and time again because she compared herself to Rosalie or myself. I didn't consider myself beautiful, but more cute and pretty with my short pixie hair and almost child-like facial features - and that's what I liked. It lulled men into a false sense of security so they'd never suspect me of whooping their rears when they pee me off. And then there's Rosalie, she's more of the hot girl, the one that men look to first on a dance floor because she's usually the most scantily-clad, big-busted girl about. And Bella was just beautiful, almost in between myself and Rosalie. If she wanted to, Bella could appear cute and pretty but at the same time she could pull out the guns and be as much the sexy girl as Rosalie was.

I'm not sure why I was so surprised Edward took a liking to her then. Whenever Edward had dated someone similar to Rosalie, he'd always seemed uncomfortable and well, he'd hardly go for the type of girl that would remind him of his sister.

I don't know why I'd been surprised, but I had been. I guess I'd never contemplated the idea my best friend dating my brother. It'd be strange, I guess, and I wasn't too sure how I'd feel around them if they were being all cuddly, but it had to be better than that Charlotte girl...or worse, that Tanya whore.

Bella would be good for Edward, I mused, sipping my drink as I revelled in that metallic twang on my tongue. She'd be nice girlfriend, not one who'd use Edward like I knew some of his ex-girlfriend's had. Would she hurt him? I didn't really care. The problem with Edward becoming involved with my best friend would be that I wasn't going to be there if they broke up, to mend the torn hearts and wounded egos. I could deal with making Edward feel better when he broke up with some girl I'd never liked, but if it was my best friend, then I'd leave him to himself. He could lick his own wounds, I would not take sides and I was sure Edward knew this. So, if things ended badly, he'd have only himself to blame and I was not going to be all sympathetic towards his situation. Damn it. What if he hurt Bella?

I bit my lip in deep thought. That was something I'd feel responsible for. After all, I'd given the permission for Edward, and once that boy had his eyes set on something he sure got it. I guess we were similar in those respects. Bella was a fragile girl and I knew there was something else. Behind her normal exterior was a cold, retracted person. Something had happened, something which deeply unsettled Bella but I knew not what it was or, more specifically, who it was. It hurt somewhat, that Bella could not trust me enough to confide with me, but I figure when she feels ready she will tell me and I would not rush her.

"I wish I'd known about all his embarrassing childhood moments," Bella suddenly said, dragging me out of my thoughts. At my raised head, she explained, "I embarrass myself so much in front of him that I think he could beat my own mother's stories of my humiliation. It would have made me feel much better if I'd known about how Esme gave him the sex talk with his first girlfriend."

I arched a brow in question. "When have you humiliated yourself in front of my brother? Well, except for when you feel asleep at the wedding."

She scowled, obviously ungrateful for the reminder. "Where do I start?" She shook her head, her cheeks turning pink already. Although, this wasn't exactly unnormal for Bella. "Well, when we first met on Rosalie's hen night? Did he not tell you how that went down?"

I frowned, my brows furrowing together as I tried to relay his conversation after Bella had became well and truly drunk beyond no return - at least for that night. It hadn't helped that I was particularly drunk too, but eventually it came back to me. "He just said he'd served you at the bar, that he made the link between us because of the bunny outfit."

Bella visibly shuddered. "Oh god, I'd forgotten about the bunny costume. That was enough to make our first encounter embarrassing." She took a large mouthful of cola, swallowing it down before letting out her breath in a sigh. "I was very drunk - obviously - and I didn't know who he was. I was kind of fantasising about him naked and I was only half-listening whilst he asked me my name. And then I just kind of, offered to have sex with him." The pink tinge turned to a deep red, running up to the tips of ears. "God, I didn't even know his name and I'd been more than willing to have a roll with him."

_Wait._ What? Bella - as in the shy, self-conscious friend of mine - had offered to sleep with my _brother_? And no one had told me! What the heck is wrong with this world?! What is this, karma for something I forgot about? Heck, was it because I didn't recycle that bottle last week? Only the cruellest of Gods would have kept this information from me. "You're joking," I finally managed, but it was more of a statement than a question.

Tentatively, Bella shook her head, gnawing her bottom lip. "I don't remember anything afterwards except that we didn't...you know." She waved her hands elaborately, making me wonder what Bella thought sex was. "And god, the morning was even worse. I swear, your brother is like a death-from-humiliation magnet! Except, I just teeter on the edge of death but then somehow survive only to have to live _through_ the embarrassment for even longer."

"W-what happened in the morning?" I was slightly afraid about the answer.

"Apart from waking up in his bed?" At my horrified look she giggled, shaking her head. "Don't worry, nothing like that. I was still in my costume and he was just...sitting there, watching me whilst I slept. It was kind of freaky, and then he teased me mercilessly and pointed out that I'd tried to _kiss_ him! Apparently, however, your brother is a gentleman and we never made it to first base."

"Ah, the gentleman act. Don't let it fool you," I said, raising my brows. "I've seen it used a thousand times. It just comes as more of a shock when he does something out of character."

"Don't I just know it," Bella murmured, but didn't appear to elaborate.

"So, was your offer only a drunken one, or was there serious reasons behind it?" I asked casually, leaning back against the counter. Finished with my drink, I placed it on the side to be added to the recycle bin Bella kept.

"Such as?"

"Such as being attracted to my brother," I offered, smiling knowingly. "The idea of you throwing yourself on a guy-"

"-I didn't throw myself on him," Bella tried to interject.

"-is unbelievable enough but on one you're not even remotely attracted to? Yeah, right." I placed my hands on my hips, shot her the most serious look I could muster. Pretty hard, I can tell you that, especially when your thoughts are awfully amused over this entire thing. "So, be honest with me Bella, otherwise I'll have to strangle you in frustration." At her blank expression, I sighed and said in the slowest voice possible, "Do. You. Fancy. My. Brother?"

She blinked once. Twice. The blank expression disappeared only to be replaced with embarrassment - no surprise here then - and her lips pursed into a thin line. Honestly, she had such full lips that I was awfully jealous of and she spent half her time hiding them in her stony looks. I wonder if she could donate her lips for money - it's not like she needed them with that sour expression - and it'd go towards her botox fund. The idea of a lipless Bella almost had me laughing. "Alice, I don't find your brother remotely attractive."

"Liar."

Her face became astounded, her brows rose in surprise whilst her eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

I waved a hand in the air dismissively. "It's okay, you go around lying and pretending. I only hope that God will forgive your sins."

x.x.x.x

_**Rosalie's Perspective.**_

We'd only just arrived back to the hotel room after a romantic meal when Alice phoned me. Frowning at the screen, her name flashing up, I wondered what on Earth would possess Alice to be phoning at this time. Remembering the small time difference, I realised she'd normally be watching Gok Wan's Fashion Fix - her favourite show. Whoa, must be serious.

Apologetically, I gave Emmett a sympathetic look. Thankfully, he didn't seem to mind, just pressed his lips gently to my forehead before jutting his head towards the television. I nodded and he went over and switched it on whilst I made my way into the bedroom as I answered the call.

"Alice, do you know what time it is?" I demanded, as I tried to shrug out of my coat whilst trying to keep the phone pressed to my ear.

"Er, Rosalie? It's only ten o'clock where you are," she replied.

I rolled my eyes to myself. "I'll tell you what time it is. It's Rosalie-wants-to-spend-time-with-her-husband o'clock." I got a little jolt as I referred to him as my husband. Bloody had to wait long enough. "That's why we're on a _honeymoon_. So we can have lots of sex. You're ruining that schedule."

The sounds of Alice giggling could be heard even if I held the phone away from my ear - which I did to shrug my other arm out of the coat. I placed it on the chair before returning the phone back to my ear just in time for Alice to say, "I'm sorry Rose, really I am, only we have a little dilemma over here."

"What type of dilemma?" I asked, crossing the huge room to the equally huge bed. I sat on it, the expensive mattress moulding to my shape.

"An Edward-Bella type. God, I had no idea! Edward just started asking for my permission to date her this afternoon and then I confronted Bella about it and she denied have feelings for him."

"So?" I asked, incredulous. "It's simple. One way relationships don't work. Who cares? Just tell Edward she's not interested."

"But she is!"

"Okay, please elaborate," I asked, confused.

"Bella is such a terrible liar, and I know she was lying when she said she didn't find him attractive. Did you know she offered to sleep with him on your hen night?"

My jaw dropped. _Our_ Bella? Alice had to be joking... "Fuck, really? Wow, that's more like something that-"

"-you'd do? I know," Alice finished as we laughed. "I'm fed up with Bella moaning about being single and not doing anything about it. She's practically got an easy-pass to a relationship going on here but she doesn't even know it!"

"So tell her," I pointed out.

"I can't do that!" My pixie of a friend began muttering lowly under her breath. "We need a plan, to set them up. I was thinking the party on Wednesday would be perfect! Hey, maybe I can do a little switcheroo with their dates?"

I considered this idea in my head. Played it out in my mind, and let's just say the end results weren't nice. "I don't think so. Not without doing something to push them together first. Bella would go ballistic and either die from embarrassment or kill you and _then_ die from embarrassment. Get them to go out on a date, but not a proper date. You'll have to be there too, and take Jasper - that way you have an excuse to disappear leaving them alone."

There was silence on the other end, in which I imagined Alice was running ideas through her head. I used the break in conversation to lift off the tight red dress I was wearing. Upon arriving in Paris, I'd soon realised France was receiving the strange heatwave that England was getting also. Temperatures were uncomfortably high all throughout the night and I'd been dying to rip the clingy fabric off my body.

Eventually, Alice replied in agreement. "On Friday I was already planning on dragging Bella and Edward to a pool party and then clubbing. I was going to bring Jasper anyway so-"

"Perfect!"

Alice chuckled on the other end as I pressed the phone between my ear and shoulder. Carefully, I began to slip off the high heels I'd been wearing, rubbing my aching skin as I went.

"So, how _is_ the honeymoon?" Alice finally asked.

I grinned to myself, wondering how to answer without elaborating too much. After all, I had a very willing husband just through the door and it would be unfair to leave him waiting. Finally I replied, "More than sexually satisfying. Speaking of which, I must go Alice." As if on cue, Emmett opened the door to the bedroom and stuck his head round. He took one look at my almost-naked body and his eyes clouded over. "Seriously honey, must fulfil my wifely duties. Bye." And before she'd had a chance to reply, I hung up and discarded the phone to the floor.

He entered the room, shutting the door carefully behind his back as he eyed me. It was just one of the things I loved, watching Emmett's expression as he took me in. Although I'm pretty confident over my appearance, my own husband's approval is the biggest ego-booster I could receive, and I lapped up that attention.

"Wanna do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?"

I snorted. When we got home, I was going to damn well smash that Bloodhound Gang CD. I don't know what went through Emmett's head, but how on Earth he came to the conclusion that that song was sexually appealing, I don't know. Oh well, I didn't need the romance as long as I had _him_.

"Marriage has it's perks," I murmured as he crossed the room.

"Why, Mrs. McCarty, are using me?" He gave me a fake hurt expression, shaking his head sadly. "I'm hurt, truly. I think you'll have to make it up to me."

I smiled up at him where he'd finally reached me. He stood between my open legs as I took my turn eyeing him. He was so huge that I often wondered how I didn't suffocate under all that heavy muscle that made up his height. In a way, I liked it though. I'd never felt so secure and safe in someone's arms before, but somehow in his arms I felt as though nothing could harm me. Damn, I was getting soft.

"Have I wounded your ego?" I teased, fluttering my lashes at him. "Shall I kiss it better?"

"Depends where."

"Where every guy's ego pinpoints," I answered, staring confidently at the growing bulge in his trousers - conveniently located at my eye level. "Where else?"

He let out a feral growl and in sudden movements, he moved us onto the bed, holding his weight over me as he began ravishing my neck. Yeah, I thought he'd go for the chest too but he's always surprising me.

x.x.x.x

_**Jasper's Perspective**_

"I appreciate you coming, mate," Edward said into the comfortable silence, his head fixed on the screen. "Thank you."

I took a slug of beer as I watched the match on the television. "It's okay."

"No, I'm serious. Alice just left me to go interrogate Bella, or at least I presume she did." He shook his head. "Your girlfriend better not muck this up."

I snorted. "Why is she always _my_ responsibility? She's _your_ sister."

"You signed up for this when you first kissed her," he replied, turning his head towards me and flashing a grin.

"Weren't in no contract I signed," I countered.

"Small print," Edward answered. "Always read it my friend, always."

I chuckled good heartedly. "I never thanked you," I thought out loud. "She means everything to me, you know."

He nodded, his amused expression disappearing. "I know. You mean everything to her too." He let out a sudden curse as one of Arsenal's players tackled Ledley King, short of the goal.

I fixed my eyes on his face, as I said casually, "I'm going to marry her."

Surprisingly, his expression didn't change to horror or anger or even shock. In fact, he seemed rather...relieved? What the...

"About time," he responded, grinning at my astounded expression. "Jeez, Jasper, you're so whipped on her and it's so blatantly obvious to anyone that you're in love. I started suspecting marriage was next months ago, but I guess you're slower than I thought."

I frowned. "Hey, man, I thought you'd freak. I was half-scared to tell you."

He shrugged lightly, finishing off his beer before crushing the can between his hands. "You asking for my blessing or something?"

I scratched at the back of my neck as my cheeks burned slightly. This emotional shit wasn't me, well not with other guys anyway. God, I was uncomfortable. "I guess so."

"You had my blessing long ago," he replied. "Screw her around though, and I'll damn well kill you, you hear?"

I grinned. "Sure, sure. You beating me in a fight? You drunk, Eddie-boy?"

I never got a reply, but his crushed can of beer hit me on the head seconds later.

x.x.x.x

_**Bella's Perspective**_

I knew I shouldn't have agreed to attending this pool party, it was bound to end in a humiliating circumstance.

I'd already seen Edward topless on a few occasions since I'd met him, so I don't know why I found my heart beating erratically in my chest at the sight of him in his swimming trunks. Maybe because I didn't feel guilty at looking - after all, nearly every other girl here was doing the same - or maybe it was because he'd just pulled himself out of the swimming pool and there was a tantalising droplet of water running down his well-formed abs. Probably the latter.

He was talking to Jasper, both of them heading towards Alice and I. I'd already seen Jasper pretty clad before, what with his frequent visits to Alice's dorm room. On more than one occasion I'd entered the room to find him walking around in nothing but his boxers. God, that had surely woken me up that morning. I guess I should be grateful he wasn't wearing boxer briefs, otherwise I might have just fainted.

"Why don't girls swim?"

Confused at Edward's sudden question and quick approach, I shrugged. "Why'd you ask?"

There wasn't anywhere else for him to sit, so I shouldn't really be surprised when he sat himself down at the end of my sunbed. I angled my legs - my knees pointing skywards - so to accommodate the sudden lack of space.

"I haven't seen a single female in that pool since we arrived," he replied, casting a look at the pool as if checking. He was right of course.

Alice had shifted, allowing Jasper to lie down on the sunbed. Contently, she positioned herself on his body, her head resting on his chest whilst her legs entwined around his. It wasn't a sexual position - well I guess it was, but the intentions of the position weren't - but just an intimate one. As though they just needed to feel the other one to be happy. It was kind of romantic really.

Jasper nodded in agreement with Edward. "Yeah, I never did quite understand the point of girls showing up to these things. All they do is sunbathe."

Alice snorted. "We come to ogle wet guys in swimming trunks, duh."

Simultaneously, Edward and Jasper both shuddered at the idea causing myself and Alice to laugh.

When my laughter died down, I said, "I'd probably be in there swimming but Alice won't let me."

Alice shot me a betrayed shut-your-mouth look which I chose to maturely ignore. Alice's obsession with doing my hair today had hit breaking point in which I wasn't even allowed to get it wet. Honestly, what was she thinking when she styled my hair for a _pool_ party?

"Don't let my sister rule you, Bella," Edward replied with a crooked smile. I noticed how his normally bronze-coloured hair looked a dark chestnut brown when it was wet. It curled slightly around his ears making me want to lean just a little forwards and run my hands through the tendrils. "Come play in the water."

Images flashed through my mind of me, Edward and an empty pool. Jesus, I've got a dirty mind. "As fun as that sounds, I value my life."

Alice shrugged. "You go ahead, Bella, but you're washing your hair before we go clubbing."

Which inevitably meant that Alice would be yanking my hair into a new style for the second time that day. It was moments like these, that I wondered well and truly, why I was friends with Alice Cullen. Half of the time, she was a thorn in my side, but then she'd say something funny or make me look almost pretty and I'd remember she was my friend because she _is_ Alice Cullen.

"Come on," Edward demanded, standing to his feet.

I took his outstretched hand and let him pull me to my feet. He didn't release my hand as he began pulling me towards the water. A sudden feeling of nakedness hit me. OK, I wasn't _actually_ naked but I wasn't exactly comfortable in nothing but this skimpy - if not pretty - bikini. It felt as though every eye was on me, and not in a good way. I felt like I was eight again, sneaking into my mother's bedroom to play with her make up in a desperate child-like attempt to be noticed by her first crush. Thinking about it, the situation wasn't exactly too different. I hadn't wanted to wear my usual one-piece suits and so Alice had lent me one of her brand new cute bikinis. And it was all in an attempt to get _Edward_ to notice me. I don't know why I wanted him to notice me, after all, I didn't fancy him - despite what Alice thought.

God, even in my head I'm a bad liar.

But in all honesty, who _wouldn't_ fancy Edward? He was the epitome of gorgeous.

Speaking of the gorgeous man, he seemed to notice my reluctance of following him. He tugged my hand a bit harder but when I wouldn't budge, he turned around and dropped my hand, a frown on his sculpted face. "What's wrong?"

"_Everyone's_ _staring_," I whispered, my eyes widening. OK, I may admit I was exaggerating somewhat.

He arched one of his brows, a simple act which sent little jolts up my spine. I honestly hoped he'd never find out what he does to me, it was crazy really. Damn hormones. "Not everyone."

I gnawed on my bottom lip. "But most of them are."

His eyes lit up with amusement seconds before a smile flashed across his face. "They've got reason to stare."

Well, he was obviously rather blunt. How humiliating. So he thought I was trying too hard too? Where's a hole to jump in when you need one?

"I'd probably be openly staring too but then Alice might castrate me," he finished, his smile turning to a boyish grin. Without warning, one hand came around my back whilst the other snaked to hold my legs. Up I went. Before my brain even managed to process what he was about to do, he sprinted the remaining distance to the pool. And jumped. The little shit.

I didn't get a chance to fill my lungs, so when my head went under water I lashed away from Edward's body desperate for oxygen to fill my lungs. I kicked my legs out, hitting Edward in the process, and took in a large gulp of air as my head broke through the surface.

He had the nerve to come back up laughing. The swine.

"Barstard," I muttered, swimming away from him. I hadn't missed the gleam of mischief in those green eyes of his.

I reached the pool edge, clinging to the metal bars that lined the walls. I watched Edward take lazy strokes towards me whilst I caught my breath. Why were guys always chucking girls into the pool? It made realise why they were so reluctant to enter the water in the first place if this was how they got there.

We were in slightly shallower waters now, enough that I could stand on the bottom and have the water reach just below my bust. Edward stood on his feet, the water only reaching his waist. Stupid tall man. He took a step forward, I pressed further into the wall.

"Are you scared of me?" His voice was incredulous.

I forced myself to shake my head, but I gripped the metal bar tightly. A drop of water fell from his hair, landed on his chest. I wiped a hand over my mouth, sure I was drooling.

Oh shit. Don't smile, don't smile. I closed my eyes. Damn it, why did he look so damn edible when he smiled? Lord, why? Panicking, my eyes sought desperately to find Alice. Where had that pixie gone? My eyes fell upon, what I was certain had been her seat. It was empty. Bugger.

My head spun as I felt his fingers brush along my damp arm. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I stared up into those eyes. The amusement was gone along with the mischief. I should probably be glad that all signs of being dunked or dragged under water were gone, but the emotion now flickering like an undercurrent to that emerald shade was even more unsettling.

I'm not some inexperienced girl - I was after all, in my twenties - so I recognised that look in his eyes. Lust. Admittedly, I hadn't experienced it much, but then I never usually gave guys the chance to even _think_ about sleeping with me. I was like a serial dater, flicking from one guy to the next but never even considering the option of a second date.

His eyes were just that tiny bit clouded, dulling the sheer piercing green just a tiny amount, and his eyelids drooped a fraction. His gaze flicked briefly to my lips, then back up to my eyes as I unconsciously bit down on the red flesh. My body was betraying me. It had been so long since I'd been this physically attracted to a guy, so long since I'd had thoughts of sleeping with one and with Edward, it was more than that. My thoughts weren't momentary ones brought on by sexual frustration from a kiss or a touch. It was a whole lot worse than that. My thoughts weren't brief and they most certainly weren't occasional. They were long, insistent images that ran through my mind whether he was in close proximity or on the other side of town. It didn't matter, my thoughts stills strayed and it scared the crap out of me.

Damn it, Alice Cullen. I was sure this was somehow set up by her. It was way too coincidental after the interrogation she gave me the other day. She'd mentioned it frequently that night and every time I tried to deny being attracted to Edward, she called me a damn liar. I half expected her head to rise out of the water and start shouting, "Told you so!" This was what the sane half of my brain was thinking about.

The other half? The one with all the hormones and sexually frustrating memories? Yeah, that one was too busy thinking about if I took just a small step forwards, my body would pressed to his and I'd be able to feel all those taut muscles.

God, I'm such a slut. Okay, that's not strictly true but I feel like one currently.

"I want to be a gentleman," Edward murmured, his lids drooping even further. Christ, kill me now. "I'm trying to be, but did you really have to wear that bikini?"

At the sound of frustration in his voice, I frowned. Nervously, I fiddled with the strap, adjusting it slightly to fit better. Probably a mistake since Edward's eyes zoned in on my chest. Gentleman, my rear. "What's wrong with it?"

"Everything," he replied, his eyes coming back up to my face. They didn't quite reach my eyes as he stared at my lips. "How's a guy supposed to think when you're showing off all that skin..."

I blushed, biting my lip. Again. Seriously, where was Alice? Had she put him up to this? I'd kill her if she had.

"You couldn't possibly realise how tempting you are," he murmured. He seemed to drag his eyes away from lips again, with considerate force, and as I met his eyes, I noticed a new emotion there. Almost a pleading one. "Can I kiss you?"

I raised my brows in surprise, ignoring the butterflies. I guess they'd decided to take up acrobatics in my stomach. "I-" My eyes widened in surprise as Edward cut me off, stepping the remaining distance so that our bodies were painstakingly close. "Edward," I said. It was meant to come out as a protest but it sounded more like a whimper as he lowered his head, bringing his lips against mine.

The sudden jolt I got was quickly ignored, put down to simple chemistry. I'd admit at least the existence of this chemistry we seemed to have. His hands moved to cup my cheeks, his thumbs gently caressing my flushed skin as his lips moved against mine. It was closed mouths, but was as intense as any other kiss I'd experienced. Hell, it even beat the one I'd received from Emmett after a drunken round of Spin the Bottle.

I realised I wasn't breathing and quickly drew in air through my nose. His scent filled my senses, causing my eyes to flutter shut. There was an underlying scent of aftershave, something sweet, mixed in with the odour of chlorine. But under all that, I could smell him. Sweat. Okay, that probably sounds rather gross but we've all heard of pheromones. And boy, were they screaming my name.

Eventually, I relaxed against his mouth and began to respond, my mouth moving of it's own accord to match his movements. The distance - if only small - was driving me insane, so I placed my hands on his shoulders and drew his body closer. The swell of my chest met those strong muscles and I briefly allowed my fingers the pleasure of running along the contours of his torso.

He pulled away, breathing deeply as he rested his forehead against mine. I found, non-surprisingly, that I too was having to draw in large amounts of air to make up for my lungs recent lack of oxygen supply. I felt slightly woozy from the encounter and my chest rose unsteadily against him, causing a delicious friction between us. Mainly for me, but you know, what do I care currently?

"Bella," he whispered.

"Edward," I mimicked, earning a quick flash of a smile. "That was-"

"-Amazing," he suggested.

"-Nice."

I snorted as he winced slightly, pulling away from me to give me a hurt expression. "You wound me, Bella." He patted his heart, shaking his head.

I smiled briefly, wondering what to do. I felt the need to wrap my legs around his waist and devour his lips again but I was hesitant to do so. I think I need to see a Psychiatrist.

"I didn't mean to kiss you," he began, his eyes soft as he stared at me, gauging a reaction. "Well, I did, obviously. I didn't exactly fall onto your lips, but I was planning to do ask you out first. I like to have an attempt at wooing a girl."

"Wooing?" I snorted. "Who the heck says that?" Yeah, I know, clever response. Not.

He chuckled softly. "Okay, I like to have an attempt at charming a girl before I throw myself on them like I just did."

A smile played on my lips so that the corners turned just a fraction upwards. "I guess we're even, huh? After all, I kind of more than threw myself on you a week ago."

"Well, I'm about to uneven it again." His grin was cheeky and purely male. "I'd apologise in advance but I won't feel the least bit sorry."

"Oh, well then I-" His lips crashed to mine, more urgent this time, causing a small moan of delight to come from within my throat. He should really wait for a response before he sent my heart jackhammering in my chest.

It started off soft, gentle - almost seductive - as we took our time _feeling_, but this apparently wasn't enough for Edward. He scraped his teeth along my lower lip causing me to tremble as his hands gripped my waist. It wasn't painful, but his tongue swept along the area as though to soothe it whilst gently coaxing my mouth open. Sneaky bugger.

Our tongues met in a passionate embrace. I became all too aware of the taste of him, which like his smell, was rather sweet mixed in with the faint taste of chlorine. I'd always despised the taste before, but mingled in with his own natural flavour it was as tempting as chocolate.

My instincts took over, and I found my right leg wedging between his legs before my foot hooked around his thigh. I pressed slightly against his groin. Needless to say, he broke away from the kiss with an audible groan. He didn't return to my lips, instead opting for neck as he nibbled the soft skin. I shuddered as all reasonable thoughts that may have remained flew out the window. Well, we were outside, so I guess there wasn't a window. You get the point.

His hands began to explore, dancing lightly over my skin. His touch was feather-light and despite his hands travelling under the water, it felt as though everywhere he touched was on fire, his fingertips setting my skin ablaze.

"Bella!"

I briefly considered that if we were in a movie, we'd be in an empty pool, totally alone to make out for as long as we liked. However, this was the real world and unfortunately his lips eventually had to leave my skin. I only wished it wasn't interrupted by a slightly seething Jessica.

I let out a quiet groan as Edward pulled away, chuckling casually as though we hadn't been interrupted whilst his mouth was trailing to a very non-public place. Okay, it was non-public to me. Maybe not to some girls, but generally my boobs weren't a public area.

I plastered a fake smile on my face as I tilted my head upwards. "Jessica! Hi!"

Her eyes flickered briefly on Edward before darting back to me. "I'm glad you could come. I wanted to apologise for Lauren's behaviour last week."

I shrugged lightly, my hands still gripping Edward's shoulders. We were still intimately pressed together, my body flush against his, but Jessica seemed unphased by this. Probably made good gossip. "It's okay," I murmured, attempting at a genuine smile. "We were all drunk and out of it."

Jessica nodded quickly. "Yeah! That's right. She was totally out of order though, you had total rights to that guy." Her eyes went to Edward again. She probably thought I'd become a slut overnight or something. "I tried to get her to apologise but you know how she is."

I resisted the urge to narrow my eyes. I was more than suspicious. "Is she here?"

She shook her head. "I didn't want to invite her when you were coming."

Yeah, right. I'd known Jessica long enough to work her mind out. Lauren - ultimately - was her best friend and she stuck by her, but if Lauren wasn't about Jessica was quick to warm up to the next option of best friend so long as Lauren never found out.

"Where's Mike?" I asked, my eyes briefly scanning the people. "Haven't seen him for a while."

I watched the flicker of jealousy in her eyes. In the beginning, I'd been slightly fearful of that look, worried she'd go ballistic if I even so much as smiled at her boyfriend. Over time I learned to be more amused by it. Mike was definitely not my type.

"He's talking to Ben and Angela in the house," she replied, her eyes narrowing as her suspicious mind worked overtime. "I didn't know you and Edward were...acquainted."

It didn't take a genius to catch the double-meaning. "We met at the hen night."

She frowned. "Don't remember seeing you about, Edward."

Edward shrugged lightly, a crooked smile on his lips. "They came over to Sixty-Nine later on in the evening. I guess it was after you and Lauren stormed off."

Jessica's fake smile was worse than mine. "I thought you were dating that Tanya girl? At least, that's what Alice told me."

I held in my laugh. I'd remembered Alice telling me a while ago that Jessica was bugging her with her insistent plea that she set her up with Edward.

"I never dated Tanya," Edward replied with a frown. "We met once at a party and that was about it."

"Oh," Jessica said, her cheeks turning red. Obviously she'd realised what Alice had done. "Maybe she got it mixed up," she offered lamely.

"Doubt it," he answered, honestly. "Alice was over the moon that I didn't hook up with her." His frown disappeared as he gave a careless shrug. "It was nice talking Jessica, but if you'll excuse us? We need to go find my sister and her boyfriend."

She nodded, half-dazed as he flashed another smile. Hmm. He should put some sort of warning on his forehead about that smile. _May dazzle females._

He hauled himself out of the pool, water cascading down his body. Jesus. Shaking his wet hair slightly, he grinned down at me as he offered a hand, hauling me easily out of the water. Unfortunately, not born with the natural grace Edward had obviously received, I lost my balance and toppled directly into his chest. My hands shot out instinctively, causing him to stumble back a few steps as his hands held my wrists, preventing me from crashing onto the floor. Flushing, I realised I was pressed dangerously close to him, not even a thin amount of water separating us.

He looked down at me, probably about to mutter something sarcastic about my klutziness, but his opened mouth froze. My eyes flickered to his lips, remembering how soft they'd felt. Standing on my tiptoes, I leaned towards him, his mouth a breath away.

"Bella! Edward!"

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Oh, we feel for you Bella, truly we do. Or at least I do. -rubs neck nervously- Anywho, longest chapter yet. I loved writing in the different perspectives. I loved being Jasper for a few paragraphs, although I think he and Edward came off slightly OOC in that section. I like to make excuses and say I was trying to make them sound more London-ish but I'm just bad at keeping everyone in character. Hehe. I'll probably get a few comments saying that Edward referring to Jasper as 'mate' isn't very English sounding - and I'll bet anything these comments will be from the non-British folk - but it really is. Honestly, we don't say all these long posh-sounding words. If anything, most of us tend to sound like chavs. (Apologies to those who don't know what a chav is, it's a British stereotype - I don't care to elaborate currently. Look it up in Urban Dictionary or something.)

I remember when we had a kid from America in our school. He'd moved this way and so he joined the school halfway through the academic year. He was so damn surprised at how half our school spoke. Especially the younger years. Speech tend to go something like this, "Oi, Lofty! Miss. Ranger was well dread." and, "That song is well sick, mate." and finally, "Innit, you're well dry!" And no, they don't translate into anything about vomiting, dreadlocks, not being wet etc. If all my chavvy friends were to read this, they'd probably murder me or something. I'm majorly taking the pee out of them.

The whole losing-your-willy-down-the-toilet thing? Yeah, based on real life. It's an embarrassing story on my part in which my oldest brother told me I lost mine down the loo. He now thinks it his job to inform every male which walks through our front door about that cringe-worthy evening. Brothers, don't ya just love 'em?

For reasons beyond me, some people were asking of any of the characters speak cockney rhyming slang. In short, no, not really. My dad used to speak in cockney rhyming slang - as he grew up a cockney - and my friends find it hard enough understanding him. So there's no way people outside of the UK will easily follow through. However, I'll leave it up to you. If you really want, I'll include random cockney rhyming slang here and there, but first, check out some examples of what might be said below.

1) Rosalie's a right air gunner!  
2) Did he just acid your top?  
3) He slapped her on the Wrigley's.

OK, seriously, if anyone outside of the UK gets what they mean, I'll give them a sneak preview to the next chapter. Clubbing anyone?

Is it me or is this note damn long? Meh, must be me. XD You should know what to do by now. You got it. Review. I was amazed at the last response and I'd love you to beat it. I won't hold it against you if you don't though. :cough:


	7. Cuppa

**Disclaimer:** Meyer is the rightful owner of Edward's sexiness.

One or two death threats for leaving you on a cliffy last time. I'd apologise but I love writing cliff hangers so you'll have to get used to it. -smiles charmingly-

Eek. Sorry it's taking a while to churn this out everyone. Sixth Form started and jeez, the workload is so high! I've had to read a 400-page book (which I still haven't finished) for Philosophy & Ethics, as well as write a ten page essay, read Jane Eyre for English Literature and begin another book AND do a massive essay for Psychology regarding a guy I've never heard of. Don't even get me started on my Biology classes.

Thank you to my wonderful beta, **Ruby-Wednesday**.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Cuppa  
_By InsatiableHanner

Never had I hated that short, black-haired pixie more than I did currently. Sure, she sometimes dragged me to a shopping centre at ungodly hours and sure, she sometimes threw away my clothes without asking me and _sure_, she tended to treat me like a life-size Barbie doll but none of them even _compared_ to the hatred I felt towards her currently.

And it wasn't entirely because she'd stopped me from enjoying a heated make out session. OK, most of my hate was for that reason but also because she'd decided to only then show up and not when I'd been mentally begging her to save me from her brother's sexual oozing only minutes before.

I didn't bother jumping away from Edward at the sound of her voice, knowing her she'd been waiting for the exact right moment to interrupt. Instead, I squeezed my eyes tight and rested my forehead against Edward's, letting out an irritated sigh.

Edward chuckled lightly, his chest shaking with the small movements as hands, that were about to cup my face, fell to my arms. "What do you want, Alice?"

I heard the light dancing footsteps of my currently hated best friend as she came closer to us. I was too annoyed - and possibly scared - to open my eyes and read the emotion on her face. I couldn't be entirely sure she was OK with all this, despite her interrogation the other night.

"Why, nothing dear brother," Alice replied, her musical giggle tinkling through the air. "I just came to see if Bella still wanted to go clubbing."

"I actually get a choice?" I replied sarcastically.

Alice, unphased by my response, nodded enthusiastically. "Of course. I know how you're not too keen on clubbing, I only drag you along because I hate you spending Friday night on your own."

I arched a brow. Who was she trying to kid? She forced me along whether I had company or not. "Right. And what makes tonight any different? Am I finally old enough to stay at home on my own mummy?"

Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "Edward doesn't have to work tonight, so he's kindly offered to spend the evening with you."

"I did?"

Alice whacked Edward round the back of his head as he laughed. "Yes, you did," she replied forcefully. "That way, me and Jasper can spend an evening together. I'll be sleeping at his place tonight, so you won't have to wait up."

Oh my God. Was she really that intent on humiliating me? Jesus, she was making me sound so damn desperate, as though I spent _every_ Friday night on my own or with Alice. Admittedly, it was partially true but _still_! "And what if I _want_ to go clubbing?"

I watched with mild amusement as panic washed over Alice's pale face. Her eyes darted between myself and Edward as she attempted to find a good excuse. She must have found one, for she finally replied, "But if you go clubbing, you'll miss that film you wanted to watch on TV tonight."

Damn. She had a point. "I could always record it."

"Your VCR is broken, it comes out all fuzzy."

Another good point. I was losing this battle. "Edward has Sky Plus!" I turned my head, tilted it so I looked up into those green eyes. "You wouldn't mind recording it for me, would you?"

He opened his mouth to reply but his annoying sister cut him off. "The box is broken!"

"It worked fine the other day," I replied.

"Yeah, well, I broke it this morning! It doesn't record anything!"

I narrowed my eyes. Usually, Alice Cullen was an excellent liar, but when put under the spotlight she was as bad as I was. However, I didn't particularly want to go clubbing either, so I gave in. "Fine."

"Really?" Her eyes lit up and she clapped her hands together. "Great. This is great! You can tell me all about the film tomorrow."

"Why? Who says I'll see you tomorrow?"

She shrugged lightly, a mischevious glint appearing in her eyes. "I just have a feeling, Bella. So, I'll see you tomorrow morning then."

"You're going now?"

She nodded, linking her arm through Jasper's. "All my stuff is at Jasper's, so we've gotta get a move on if I want anytime to get ready."

Before I had a chance to reply, she was already dragging her boyfriend out of the garden, into the house and away from my annoyed glares. Damn pixie. "She bloody set us up," I mumbled, more to myself.

"She sure did."

Startled by his voice, I jumped, only to hit the top of my head on his chin. Horrified I was still wrapped around him and that I'd just assaulted him with my head, I leapt away from him, my eyes wide.

"Oh my God, I'm _so_ sorry," I apologised. "I kind of forgot you were standing there."

He rubbed his chin but instead of shouting or cursing like I expected him to do, he laughed. Jesus, it was the whole dancing thing all over again. How can one man withstand my clumsy antics for long periods of times? Hell, it was painful for me and _I_ was used to it.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks.

He shook his head, a crooked smile appearing on his lips. "It's fine."

"No, I mean about Alice," I replied, "Although I'm not entirely sure as to why I'm appologising for your sister's actions. She's always had an unhealthy interest in my love life."

He arched a brow, that amused expression appearing on his face. "And I'm the next chapter in your book of love?"

I stared at him in shock. I'm sure I was probably blinking too much but I half-expected him to grin and say, "Just kidding." When he just kept looking at me, his brows drawn together in a frown, I burst out laughing. "That was the cheesiest thing I've ever heard."

"Just getting the facts straight."

I shrugged lightly, my laughing session over. "We kissed. In Alice's eyes, that's more than enough."

"Kissing? Honey, we weren't kissing. A kiss is what your mother gives you, not a love interest."

"Then what were we doing?"

"We were snogging."

I screwed up my nose in disgust. I'd never liked that particular word in the English dictionary. "I'll stick to kissing."

x.x.x.x

On the way back to his place, we swung by my own flat so I could change out of my swimming costume. I'd already left a bit of a wet patch on the passenger seat thanks to being thrown into the pool. Obviously, I was quick to point out his part in the wet seat.

He waited in his car, the sound of some rock group blaring out of the stereo whilst I darted into my place to change. I caught my reflection in the mirror as I tugged on an old hoodie and almost screamed. My hair was a curling mess, my so-called waterproof mascara was smudged under my eyes and my lips were brutally swollen. I looked like a freak.

I splashed some water on my face before wiping off every trace of any make up. I didn't want to seem like I was making an effort, so I had limited time. I didn't bother with any type of foundation, but quickly added a small layer of mascara to my lashes. My lips were still slightly puffy, so I added some balm to them in hopes that this would reduce the redness.

My first attempt at brushing my hair failed miserably and the comb was no better. In the end, deciding I was running out of time, I tugged it all back into a messy ponytail, allowing a few strands to fall over my face.

I dashed out of my flat, remembering to grab my keys and phone, and ran down the stairs. When I reached the door leading to the outside world, I stopped my speeding and took a deep breath through my nose. Calmly, I opened the door and headed towards his car.

"That was quick," he commented, turning down the volume of his stereo as I put on my seatbelt.

I smiled to myself. "I don't like to make a fuss."

"Why are you single?"

The question caught me off guard, causing me to frown at him. Why _was_ I single? I wasn't entirely sure myself. "I just am."

His face was so serious, his eyes regarding me. I wondered what he was thinking and was about to ask when his features relaxed. He smiled. "Every man's dream is dating a girl who gets ready that quick."

I was pretty sure that wasn't his original thoughts, but I let it go and smiled at the compliment. At least, I hoped it was a compliment. I wasn't sure and it didn't take long for my analytical mind to begin processing what he'd said. Maybe it was criticism. Maybe he was hinting that I needed _more_ time to work on my appearance. This was going to be a long evening.

x.x.x.x

It felt kind of strange walking into his flat with the knowledge that no one else would be joining us. And at the same time, it left me confused. What was this? A date? Getting to know one another? I knew the rules of dating but with Edward, any rule had been long thrown out the window.

After getting us both a drink, cola for me and beer for him, he took me into the living room, sitting down on the large leather sofa that took up most of the space. He looked at me expectantly so I sat down on the opposite end, curling my legs up underneath me.

He was silent causing me to lift my head in wonder. He was staring at me, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips.

"What?" I asked, frowning. I put a hand to my mouth, wiped the skin. "Is there something on my face?"

"Nope."

"Then what?"

"Why did you sit there?" He asked, nodding in my direction.

"Because it was empty," I offered, a blank look on my face. "Duh."

He cracked a crooked smile. "You make life so much harder," he said and before I could understand what he meant, he placed his drink on the coffee table and placed his hands on my hips. He was certainly strong, I could give him that as he pulled me over until my shoulder bumped into his side.

"Oh."

He chuckled softly, bringing his arm around me. "What, did you think I kissed you for the hell of it?"

I shrugged.

"Silly Bella," he murmured as I rested my head against his chest. It seemed to fit there perfectly, as though his body was designed to hold me this way. It was a comforting thought and a mad one. I decided to just enjoy the sensations whilst it lasted.

At some point, the movie I'd wanted to watch all week was put on. I should have recorded it anyway, despite being able to watch it right now because Edward was proving to be a huge distraction.

Somehow, we'd both ended up lying on his sofa, him stretching his long body whilst I lay between his legs, my head resting comfortably on his stomach. I was listening to his breathing, feeling his body rise with each breath he took. I'd long forgotten what the film was called and what it was about, the characters on the screen ignored.

It just felt so natural, lying there. One of his arms was propped under his head so he could watch the film, the other was wrapped around my shoulder and occasionally he'd twist a lock of my hair around his finger. Eventually he even pulled out the hair band that had kept it all in place.

"I love your hair," he'd murmured softly, continuing to play with the ringlets.

I felt happy. It was a shocking revelation to make. Other than around my parents, Alice or Rosalie, I'd never actually felt happy. Content I normally was, depressed even, maybe angry but happiness was scarce in my life. It made me wistfully hope that this moment would never end, but I knew it would and it briefly took away that joy I'd found.

It was hard to be optimistic about a relationship with Edward. Heck, it was hard to be optimistic about anything when you'd almost been raped. It reminded me of a song, where you don't see the world through clear eyes, but once that haze was gone you saw the world for what it really was, and the world was a cruel place.

"What are you thinking about?"

I frowned, not realising he'd been watching me. I didn't look at him as I replied, "Nothing."

Despite the obvious lie, he didn't question me further on the subject, opting rather to change it. "Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"

I let out a small yawn, let my eyes droop slightly. "Not that I know of," I replied softly.

"Good," he murmured. His fingers had left my hair, choosing to run up and down my arm instead. "You're all mine tomorrow evening."

I was pretty tired but his words - or was it his fingers? - sent shivers up and down my spine. I blushed softly when I felt the goosebumps on my arms, knowing all too well that Edward could feel them. "Oh?"

Whilst he chuckled, he sat upright, holding onto me before letting me settle against his chest. "You, my dear, have a dirty mind. I simply meant I was taking you out."

My cheeks reddened even further, but I pretended not to notice. "Where are you taking me?"

"Pub," he responded. "You and clubs don't always mix well."

I smiled. "Me and alcohol don't mix well."

"I'll make sure you stick to the coke."

I snuggled into his warmth, his arms encasing me. Again I was hit with a bubbly feeling in my stomach, as though this was perfection. Well, I knew _Edward_ was perfection but the moment was perfection too. Nothing could ruin it.

"Want a cuppa?"

Well, almost nothing.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Apologies. You've all been waiting so long for a new chapter and I finally get it up and it's not only boring but it's short too. Yikes. Sorry but this was needed and there was nothing I could add into the chapter to extend it. I am _really_ sorry. Anyway, I promise to have the next chapter up by...Tuesday? Yeah, we'll go with that. For those who have asked, the party will be coming up in a couple of chapters, so don't worry.

A few notes for those non-Brits. Goosebumps are also known as Goosepimples in other countries, but that's a given really. When someone asks, "Want a cuppa?" it _normally_ means a cup of tea rather than coffee, but whatever.

I'll try and update with the next chapter ASAP as I want to try and get back on track with this story. For those who read _**The Chase**_, I'll be focusing on that story a lot next week as I want to try and get it finished within a few weeks so I can focus on this story.

Remember to review everyone!


	8. Water

**Disclaimer:** Who's bringing sexy back? We shouldn't thank JT but the wonderful Stephanie Meyer for the creation of Edward, Jasper, Emmett and of course, Carlisle.

As always, round of applause for my patient beta, **Ruby-Wednesday**.

**The Effects of Alcohol  
**_Water  
_By InsatiableHanner

The first thing I noticed when I awoke was the pressure of a strong arm over my stomach. The second thing I noticed was the pain shooting through my back, confirming my unspoken assumptions that I'd fallen asleep on the sofa.

It took a while to place the heavy arm on me though, my brain was hazy and clouded with the feeling of content. For a few brief seconds, the kiss with Edward was long forgotten, or at least just a memory of some perfect dream and then the arm's owner shifted underneath me.

"Bella," the owner murmured, the voice heavy with sleep and pleasure.

Ah, not a perfect dream but a beautiful reality. And with reality comes the sudden lurch of fear when you realise that reality means you wake up with blotchy skin, messy hair and panda-eyes unlike in the movies.

I went to move off of him, swinging my legs gracefully - yeah, right - onto the ground and just as I was about to stand, Edward's arm tightened around my waist and I was suddenly yanked back to my previous position.

"Come back to bed," he whispered, nuzzling his cold nose into the side of my neck.

Well, this made things more difficult.

Holding my breath, I grabbed one of the cushions and tried replacing my body with it. It was a crappy idea, seeing as the cushion was about an eighth of my size, but it was worth a shot.

I take that back.

"Oh, that feels so good."

I froze, eyes widened in shock as I stared at Edward. Had I heard that right?

He let out a groan and pushed his hips upwards, into me. "Oh, faster Bella."

A little squeak of protest left my mouth as his hands snaked up from my ankles to grip my waist. I half expected him to begin thrusting against me, so when I was thrown backwards onto the other side of the sofa, I was pretty surprised.

"You should have seen your face," Edward announced, laughing into my neck.

I let out an irritated _hmph!_ and tried desperately to push him away from me. "It's not funny," I whined uselessly, "That was so embarrassing."

He was nibbling the skin underneath my jaw line, sending delicious swirls of pleasure to my belly. "Who says men can't fake it too?"

"I have an incredible urge to kill the person who wrote _When Harry met Sally_."

He pulled away, brows arched as he took in - what I presumed to be - my flustered expression. "Whoever wrote it was a genius, we men feel much more enlightened now."

I met his cocky look with one of my own. "I didn't think men gave a toss either way."

His head swooped back down to my neck, his tongue flicking out against my hot skin to get a taste. "Believe me, _I_ like to pleasure my women."

My heart rate, if at all possible, accelerated so that I was sure it'd just burst from my chest. When I'd wanted him to stop acting like a gentleman, I didn't realise he'd go in the complete opposite direction. I mean, surely he wasn't contemplating that idea right now, right here?

"I could always show you," he suggested against my ear, his teeth gnawing tantalisingly on my lobe.

"Dude, people sit there."

Both mine and Edward's heads swivelled to meet the eyes of four people. Four extremely amused people.

Alice screwed up her nose in distaste. "Honestly, Edward, try the bedroom, you know it, right? The room with the _bed_."

Edward glared at his sister. "Shut up, I was just messing."

"That's how it always starts, Eddie, always," Emmett said knowingly, giving his head a little shake. "Just ask my beautiful wife."

Rosalie arched a brow at her husband, the amused expression vanishing. "Emmett, I thought we weren't going to tell him about that."

Suddenly, I noticed my dry throat. I needed water, before I vomitted. I voiced my thoughts but was ignored.

Edward's eyes widened in revelation. "Please, God, don't tell me what I'm thinking is correct."

Emmett stared at the sofa lovingly. "It's almost as comfy as our King sized bed."

Edward had jumped off of the sofa so quick, I'd barely noticed, and with almost as much speed, he yanked me to my feet. I landed against his chest. "Why, Emmet? Why?"

He gave a light shrug as a boyish grin appeared on his face. "What can I say? When you're horny, you're horny."

I shuddered in disgust. We'd pretty much spent the last twelve hours pressed tightly onto that sofa and Emmet and Rosalie had had sex on it? It was like a nightmare, a freakishly _real_ nightmare. Wait! It _was_ just a nightmare! It had to be because Rosalie and Emmett were on their honeymoon, not standing around in Edward's living room.

As if sensing my confusion, Alice said, "They got home early."

I narrowed my eyes. "Why?"

Rosalie shrugged lightly. "Paris was beautiful, it was everything we expected."

"So the problem was?"

"Us," she replied with a smile. "Emmet and I, we're not romantic gushy people, we're not history lovers or art lovers. We went up the Eiffel Tower, we ate weird food and we listened to the odd French music but all in all, it's better here in London."

I pretended to wipe a tear from my eye which only earned a cushion being chucked towards me. Edward managed to pull me back at the last minute so that it sailed past, hitting the window instead. I decided there and then, that Edward was very good at keeping me safe. It wasn't just a feeling of protectiveness, but a reality. Who wouldn't feel safe in his arms?

"Anyway, we girls must be going," Alice announced, not meeting my eyes. "Gossip and what not."

"Really? Do we have to?"

"Rosalie had sex with Emmett, as husband and wife." She turned her head so I received the full glare of her eyes. I suddenly felt terrified. "What girl doesn't want to know the details?"

"Sweet Lord," I muttered, allowing her to drag me from Edward's embrace. "Save me."

Her and Rosalie led me out to the hallway, just as I distinctively heard Jasper ask, "Doesn't it bother you that they're about to discuss your sexual skills?"

"My sexual skills should be boasted, besides, I learnt long ago that it's unavoidable. Do you not know Jasper, that Alice probably tells them about your skills?"

"Oh my God."

Edward sniggered.

"Don't know what you're smiling about, they're going to hound Bella for details too."

And as though our minds were linked, we both said, "Oh shit."

x.x.x.x

As it turned out, they weren't even going to allow me a few minutes of false security whilst discussing Emmett's sexual skills. Oh no, that might be somewhat kind and decent, to allow myself a few minutes of happiness but instead, Alice practically tackled me to Edward's bed as Rosalie locked the door.

"Don't try to escape Isabella Swan, we're not letting you go without a fight," Alice said, a somewhat scary smirk appearing on her lips. Did I say I was terrified? Yeah, well I'm almost pissing myself now.

And if I thought being pressed for details about my last boyfriend was bad enough, then was I in for a shock.

"When has all this being going on?" Rosalie was first to ask. "You met just eight days ago and suddenly you're all lovey-dovey on each other."

I frowned, my brows drawing together. "Lovey-dovey?"

"Cutesy-wutesy. Gushy-wushy. Whatever you wanna call it, you two are doing it."

"We're not doing anything," I replied shortly. I folded my arms over my chest, in what I hoped was a stern stance. "We kissed is all."

"Kissed?" Alice screamed, causing a blush to creep up my neck. Jeez, did she have to let the whole world know? "What I witnessed, somewhat disturbingly might I add, was not kissing but a full-blown make out session right there in the middle of the pool surrounded by innocent bystanders who, had I not interrupted, hell had Jessica not interrupted, would have been flashed Bella's goodies for free!"

Apparently the whole world had not heard, but Emmett and Jasper had, if their laughter was anything to go by.

"And you know what's worst of all?" I shook my head. "You lied to me, Bella, you denied having any feelings towards my brother whatsoever, despite willingly offering to have sex with him the first night you met!" More laughter. "Even Edward managed to tell me but you? My perfect, sweet, angelic friend _lied_ to me! Dude, that's like the ultimate friendship sin!"

"I thought the ultimate sin was sleeping with your friend's brother."

Rosalie giggled. "Want a spade? You'll dig that hole you're in a lot quicker."

"I have decided," Alice replied, "that I shall not judge thee for such uncontrollable feeling towards mine brother, however, who was it that said 'Thou shalt not lie'? It was Jesus!"

I narrowed my eyes. "Firstly, it was God who first said it to Moses and secondly, he said 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour'."

She gave me a strange look before continuing, "And the moral of the story? Don't lie to your best friend, for she, much like God, is a vengeful one."

"You know I'm not particularly religious, right?"

"You're not?" Alice chewed her bottom lip. "Bummer. Oh well, you get the point, right?"

I nodded. "Sure do ma'am."

"Good, then we've got that out of the way."

Rosalie suddenly leapt from wherever she stood and landed on the bed beside me and Alice, her eyes wide with excitement. "So? Is he a good kisser?"

"What?"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Is my brother a good kisser?" She repeated, before wrinkling up her nose. "Ew, God, don't ever make me repeat that."

I laughed, screwing up my nose slightly. I gave a little shrug, a mysterious smile tugging at my lips. I knew it wouldn't keep them happy, but it was fun playing them even so.

"Come on! I'm dying to know."

I arched a brow. "Oh really?"

"Anything you wish to confess to your devoted husband?" Alice asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Rosalie chuckled, slapping our legs playfully. "Oh please, every girl who has ever met him has wondered..."

She had a point.

Alice pouted. "Since when did my brother become so popular among my _friends_?"

Rosalie paused thoughtfully before replying, "Ever since he went through puberty me thinks."

I rolled my eyes. "Alice, I'm sure you've wondered about Emmett too just as I've wondered about Jasper."

Alice's small mouth fell open. Wide. I was suddenly surprised it was able to open so far. "You fantasised about my boyfriend?!"

The howling of laughter from Emmett had me blushing. "No!" I screamed. "No, not really. I was curious, is all, just as any girl ever is. Tell me you never wondered why Rosalie couldn't keep her lips off of Emmett?"

Alice's pale face turned considerably red. Ha! "Stop changing the subject. The kiss," she reminded me. "Was it good? Was it super? I should hope so, me and him are from the same genes, he _should_ be a good kisser because I know I am."

Presumptuous much? I allowed myself to grin as I recalled the pool incident. "The air between us sizzled."

"Sizzled?" Rosalie asked.

"_Sizzled_," I replied.

Alice let out a high pitched squeal, one I was sure would wake up dogs all over London. "This is absolutely perfect! And oh my God, the party on Wednesday! This is going to be so much fun!"

The grin on my face faltered. Shit. I'd forgotten about the party and more importantly I'd forgotten that Edward was my partner for it. Double shit. I'd expected it to be utterly humiliating before, but now I was envisioning my father reading a death certificate by Thursday morning with "Death by extreme embarrassment" written on it. What had I let myself in for? "Guys, I'm not so sure."

Rosalie frowned. "What's wrong Bella?"

"It'll be awkward."

"I know you and Edward haven't had sex," Rosalie said, "but that won't make things awkward."

I chewed on my bottom lip, frowning in concentration. My thoughts were whirring away. I'd never had an opportunity to admit my lacking of sex - at least in the form of penetration - but here I sat with the perfect moment to explain, and suddenly, I was unbelievably petrified to do so. They knew I wasn't exactly flirty or confident, but a virgin? It was something I'd never dared tell them in case they might simply laugh in my face.

"Come on, Bella, it'll be fine," Alice assured me.

"Guys," I said, my thoughts locking into place, "It's not the fact I've never slept with Edward that's going to be the problem, it's the fact I've never slept with anyone period."

There was stunned silence in which I could see Alice's mind fitting things together and Rosalie try to backtrack somehow. After what felt like forever, I felt a reassuring squeeze on my hand and I looked up into Alice's eyes. Moments later, Rosalie grabbed my other hand.

"Oh honey," Alice soothed. "Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrugged. "I'm not exactly lacking in experience, I've explored so to speak, just never went the whole way. What is it Americans says? Third base? I don't know." I smiled weakly. "I've done everything except intercourse."

Surprisingly, Rosalie cracked a grin. "Seriously? Jeez, who were you dating last year? Jacob Black? You managed to keep him by your side for ten months without having intercourse? Jesus, did you have some magical blowjob secret or something?"

I laughed and was immediately grateful for Rosalie lightening the mood. "Or something," I murmured. "That reminds me, it's his birthday coming up."

Alice grinned. "I can't believe you two managed to remain friends after everything. It's inspirational."

"Jake has always been my best friend, for as long as I can remember. I'd never want to lose that over a short dating period. Besides, he's been dating my cousin steadily for eleven months now."

"And you set him up with your cousin," Alice added. "Ain't she a doll?"

Rosalie giggled. "Oh, I ran into your cousin the other day actually. She's all glowing."

"You don't think-"

"No!" I said, eyes widening. "She can't be, can she?"

"You know what they say, women are naturally glowing during pregnancies," Rosalie informed us. "Hey, just look at me!"

"Oh shit," I suddenly said. "Oh my God, I totally forgot you were pregnant!" I stared at her belly in awe, wondering how she was still perfectly thin. Admittedly, she wasn't exactly _that_ far gone, but she was over three months now. "Have you seen the doctor? Does Emmett know? Have you thought of any names? Oh my God, morning sickness, on your honeymoon?!"

"Hey, don't try to change the subject. When did we go from your kiss with Edward to my baby?" Her eyes lit up suggestively despite my revelation.

"Oh right, yeah." I grinned widely. "Sizzling."

Alice screamed out in frustration. "We already know _that_ part!"

"Okay," I replied with a roll of my eyes. "It was pretty good."

Rosalie let out an aggravated groan. "Give us more, Bella, as your friends you owe us."

Alice nodded eagerly, bouncing in her position. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing," I replied. "Well, not much anyway. We watched that movie, kissed a bit and then fell asleep."

Alice narrowed her eyes and I could almost hear the clogs in her head whirring away. "Something else happened, you're too happy."

"Well, he's taking me out on a date tonight." I had to cover my ears as the two of them squealed away. Human beings huh? More like piglets, very pretty ones I must admit, and less smelly. "It's nothing ultra special. We're going to the pub, I presume for a meal and a few drinks."

Alice gave me a pointed look. "I don't really think you should be drinking around Edward again. I don't want you and him regretting anything on Sunday morning."

I was about to make a comeback when a knock on the door had all three of our heads jerking up.

Edward stood, or rather leant, against the doorframe as his eyes surveyed the scene on his bed. Alice was squatting in her seat, optimum position for lots of bouncing, whilst I lay along the bed with my arms propping me up (my hair was probably a mess too) and Rosalie was positioned over me so that if I tried to escape, I'd be unsuccessful.

"Go away," Alice finally snapped, eyes narrowing.

Edward ignored her, his eyes meeting mine as they crinkled in the corners when a smile tugged on the corner of his lips. "Can I talk to you, Bella?"

I nodded. "S-sure." Warily, I moved out of my current position, half-expecting Alice or Rosalie to pounce on me, and put my feet on the floor. Still unsure, I stood up and slowly walked towards my current knight in shinning armour, my head occasionally checking to make sure my friends hadn't moved.

Edward put a hand on the small of my back when I reached him. He directed me out of the doorway, his body following me. I was slightly shocked. Was this freedom? If I'd known Edward had this sort of power over Alice and her questions, I'd have proposed the idea of sleeping with him way earlier on in life.

Freedom, it was a nice feeling. Or so I thought.

"Edward," Alice whined.

I tensed up. It was too good to be true.

"She's _my_ friend."

Through those words, I suddenly had a vision of the future if Edward and I ever became a couple. The prospect was somewhat scary. I knew, without a doubt, that Alice would use the 'friend' card every time she wanted her own way. In some ways, I respected her for being able to manipulate people that way, I wish I had half as much power to do so, but the other half of me was saddened by this. It was childish, annoying and upsetting. She _seemed_ okay with it but pulling out the trump card every time would only make me feel guilty.

"You never did like to share," Edward replied. There was no sibling-teasing tone in his voice. It was cold and hard as stone. Unemotional.

"Don't be that way," Alice replied, and I noted with some relief, her tone was slightly softer.

I shook my head. "I'll talk to you later, Alice." And then Edward lead me out of the room. Freedom. Bitter freedom.

x.x.x.x  
**End Chapter**

Why is this chapter late, you ask? Hmm, good question. Let me answer that question by first saying, "Please don't kill me!" (Note the terrified voice.) I had no internet access for the last few days, so you can't blame me. On top of that FF was playing up meaning my beta didn't receive notice of this chapter until ages after I sent it.

A point I'd like to make, a few, and I stress that part, have complained about the amount of cursing within this story. I'm sorry if you find it too much, and I've been told this previously in _**The Chase**_ too. I'd like to explain firstly, that I think we Brits swear exceptionally more than everyone else. Personally, I think we're really foul-mouthed over here and tend to constantly, or at least everyone I know does. I tend to swear non-stop and never get told off for it, so I am _really_ sorry if people dislike this. Let me know and if it's too many people hating the swearing, I'll try and lay it off a bit. Not completely of course, as Bella _is_ supposed to be foul-mouthed in this.

I won't update for a few days. I'm feeling kind of crappy as I caught the bug going round college. I mostly sleep and when I'm awake I mainly sniffle and stare at a spot on the wall. I'll try and update asap, but I won't make any promises.

Remember to review. You guys are slacking. -stern look- Aw, I can't be angry. I love you guys too much, and every review makes me grin like a stupid idiot. My boyfriend is very jealous of the attention I give to the computer screen whenever I get an email notifying a new review.


	9. Absence

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AUTHOR NOTE:

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Firstly, I understand how frustrating it is to get an e-mail saying "so-and-so has updated such-and-such a story" only to discover it's a message from the author and not an update. Believe me, I've cursed many writers in the past for this exact reason and it's much worse here, what with me having not updated in so long.

I think it's finally time I gave everyone an explanation because the mounting PMs and reviews asking me if I'm still alive are playing heavily on my already guilty conscience. And yes, I am the type who feels crappy over disappointing people I've never met.

Anyway, my absence can be put down to a various amount of things, moving house, school, exams, health issues and many other things, but mainly I've simply lost interest in Twilight. Now, of course, I still love the books and I saw the film when it released in England – which I adored even more – but Bella and Edward have just become so...dull, I guess. I've read my filling of fan fiction around the two and I've written a small share about them too, so I guess it's no wonder that I actually feel sickened by Bella's weakness and Edward's...well, dreaminess? Yes, that's right, Edward's perfection kills me.

I don't know, I think I'm just bored of writing about brown-haired, brown-eyed girls who are self-conscious and have no backbone and bronze-haired Gods who fall in love instantly and never seem to do wrong. I'm literally this close – about an inch if you want to be specific – to tugging out my hair in frustration. Now, this goes to **The Chase** readers too as I know most of you guys read **TEoA** also.

I _will_ finish **The Chase**, and hopefully it will be done this month. I've left it on a huge cliff-hanger and with most of the next chapter finished; it won't be too long a wait now. So, don't worry there, I'm not that cruel.

**TEoA** is a whole different ball-game. It's my favourite plot line and I prefer my Bella and Edward clones in this story much more than in **The Chase**, but it's so very far from the end that I can't commit enough to promise it will be finished. I'd like to say it will be, but that might turn out to be a lie. For now it will be put on _hiatus_. Please don't kill me. If I ever decide not to finish it, then I will say so and depending on reader's opinions, I will summarise the ending. I doubt anyone would care to finish the story, it's not like it's a huge story among the FF world anyway.

So basically, I promise to finish **The Chase** and think about finishing **TEoA** but that is all. I also have a confession. There _is_ another reason why I possibly might not be so update-y... Yeah...I know people will kill me for this one but I've started writing a story for fiction press. I haven't actually begun posting, so it's not like it takes up all my time to update, but rather I'm going at a steady pace that fits around _my_ life. I plan to begin posting when I reach the tenth chapter mark and currently I'm on my fourth. So, yeah, if anyone wants to read that when it's up, keep checking on my profile for a link at some point. I'd really appreciate your support, even if you want me dead, even if it's anon.

Everything isn't too bad, remember that. I'm trying my best here.

_Hanner.

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